Movie Review: Koizora is so Bad, it makes Dumb and Dumber Smart

In accordance with my recent watching of more mainstream movies than otaku fare, this article will be reviewing Step Up 2 and Koizora. For those who are weeaboo but don’t know Koizora, you must be otaku but that’s ok because it is the worst show ever made by Man. Yes, even worse than fucking 10,000 BC. Since we’re at it, let us talk about why 10 000 BC is the 2nd worst film ever.

10000 BC has a bunch of monkey men speaking English. There are mammoths and pyramids at the same place. There is ironsmithing and there are bone spears, at the same time. The saber-tooth tiger appears for 4 seconds. The girl dies only to be revived by some weirdass deus ex machina. I hate this show. The action sucks, there is no logic and the CGI is terrible.


Ok that above was the review summarised. Unlike some who thought the show was good. Double probably thinks porn has a good storyline.

For the benefit of those who didn’t see the show I shall summarise its plot.

Beautiful girl-next-door goes to high school. Her cell phone is stolen by a punkish bleached hair boy. The punk, Hiro, deletes all her messages and contacts and calls her, stalking her for 1 day with nameless phone calls. Girl next door Mika thinks stalking is romantic. Hiro is fucking way too slick for his own good and it really pisses me off to see girls too stupid to realise that when guys are that slick, it means they have done it way too many times and are not being sincere at all. Princess agrees and hates Hiro immensely.

Hiro spouts cheesy rehearsed lines non-stop with the same old expression. He reminds me of Derek Zoolander and his Blue Steel, always the same facial expression and people call that ACTING lol. Japanese males can’t act at all, all they can do is pose their best angle for the camera and look pretty while silly Japanese women swoon over them. I also hate his hairstyle.

His hairstyle is so perfect and well-groomed you cannot bloody take Hiro seriously at all. In scenes, where he appears to be sad and crying, HIS HAIR LOOKS LIKE 2 HOURS HAS BEEN SPENT STYLING IT. Compare this to say, PS I Love You where Gerard Butler looks so natural, Japanese sure are fucked up.

Before they’ve even gone on a date, Hiro commands Mika to go to his house and "eat lunch", where "lunch" refers to his penis. So they have sex!! Hello, 16-year olds?? Mika is the stupidest girl ever. The catch is that this Hiro guy dumped his old girlfriend for Mika because Mika is hotter. I suppose Japanese think this is romantic.

The spurned girl, forgot her name, then hires a bunch of guys to rape Mika. How did they get to her? Because fool Hiro asked Mika to meet him in a field so secluded no one could hear her screams of help. The problem is, Hiro never ever takes the blame for anything, the bastard. If it wasn’t for him and his lust, the dumb Mika would never have been raped. Yet Hiro acts all mighty and angry.

Then to soothe her raped girlfriend, he wants to kiss and have more sex. This must be romantic in Japan. Next time, if I see a raped girl in Japan, I will ask for sex to soothe her pain.

And one day, Mika finds out she is pregnant. Hiro then declares that he will marry her and quit school to work. Mika is from a rather middle to upper class family, with a really nice dad. Poor dad finds out his precious daughter is going to marry a useless, lusty and disgusting narcissist. I felt so sad for the dad. Man, I hate these pretty boys. The worst part is Hiro can’t even talk politely to Dad.

Those of you who don’t know Japanese might not notice, but throughout the show, Hiro talks like a stupid gangster/punk and it is fucking annoying. Even when he has to lower his head and beg Dad to let him marry Mika, he still talks as if he deserves her and Dad is being a prick. Poor dad.

Meanwhile, old jealous girlfriend beats the shit out of Mika and gets her a miscarriage. So much for Hiro and his constant "I WILL PROTECT YOUSS", he’s never here when she needs help, probably STYLING HIS FUCKING HAIR.

After the baby is gone, they build a little tomb for it at the park. Hiro then organises some party where he sexes up some random girl and starts ignoring Mika. Mika is very sad. She meets this new guy, Yu, who is from university unlike Hiro who thinks studying is a waste of time he would rather style his hair.

Yu is such a dear, he is like the typical Korean male lead. Sweet, charming, interesting, intelligent, caring, courteous, has good self-control and a car. Mika’s parents are divorcing and Yu does some really sweet and courteous stuff that brings Mika’s entire family back together. Mika enters the same uni as him and he always tutors her. But stupid Mika never stops thinking of the hairstyle boy. Yu proposes to Mika and she accepts but in like, 15 minutes, decides that she wants Hiro instead and runs off, dropping the ring. Yu really gets the short end of the stick here. Women prefer bad boys obviously.

She runs off because someone told her Hiro has cancer and is dying. From here on, what happens is open to interpretation but my version cynically differs from most others.

Most others: Hiro knows he has cancer and thus makes Mika go away on purpose so she wouldn’t be sad.
My version: Hiro wants to fuck more girls and makes Mika go away. When he gets some bad STD like AIDS, he decides that he needs someone to peel apples and live out his last days with him and tells Mika that he made her go away on purpose to prevent her from being sad.

And Hiro later dies, not being providing much product placement for Canon or Fuji, I can’t remember. But there’s more! To signify he has cancer, the fucker wears a stupid beanie hat! The shape of the hat gives away that the actor didn’t shave his head at all! Not to mention his perfectly trimmed and plucked eyebrows are ever present!! Surely chemotherapy would remove all the hair? BAD BAD ACTOR. He doesn’t even want to look unglamourous on his deathbed.

What a shit show. And worse, its pacing was terrible and an extreme 2 hours 30 minutes or so. Throughout the movie, I was constantly moaning, grumbling and slamming the actors and plot. I shook my head so much people must have thought I ingested ecstasy pills. DO NOT WATCH THIS AT ALL COSTS.

As for Step Up 2, it is a typical sports movie where the underdog wins with her motley crue of social rejects. Thing is, I really dig such shows. That’s why I like sports shows like Major, Slam Dunk, Ookiku Furikabutte, Capeta etc. The dance moves are awesome despite me not being a fan of hip hop and breakdancing in general. I think I’m going to sign up for salsa classes. WATCH THIS. The geeky Moose guy is cool, I like him.

278 Responses to “Movie Review: Koizora is so Bad, it makes Dumb and Dumber Smart”

  • At least learn to NOT use vulgarity in your writing. It seriously pisses me off. Yes, you are entitled to your own opinions; and my opinion? I didn’t even bother reading the 3/4 of your review.
    Good day.

  • wow you’re review was so abusive, it did the opposite intended effect … im tempted tp watch it rofl. i love your use of language “beat the shit out of” and “apparently stalking is romantic” rofl you dont know how much i laughed watching your comment. hilarious

  • Horrible. Some Americans just cant understand when something is good because they spend so much time hating. Youre one of those Americans. Koizora is way better then step up 2, the japanese shows/movies are just more heartfelt then any american shows/movies and the japanese people are more heartfelt then most americans are. And to prove it, all I have to do is take a look at you. Youre making america look worse than it already is (btw im american and no im not racist against myself or any americans but this review is just stupid)

    • trolololol

      1) The writer is Singaporean.
      2) This is a blog about modern JAPANESE culture. And you say he hates Japanese stuff? Suuuuure.
      3) Ironic last sentence is ironic.
      4) Grow a sense of humour.

    • I saw your response to this review, and felt that I had to point out something. Regardless of whether or not you are racist against yourself, being American is not a race…it’s a nationality. Way to make us look good. -.-

      I totally agree with this person’s review; however truthful the plot line of this movie may be, it does not reflect well upon state of mind of current Japanese culture. Not that it can be argued that America is that much better, but that’s beside the point.

  • only people who envy.. xD

  • don't take it too logic, it's about love anyway

    glad you now notice there’s some people could live like this because this’s adopted from true story, so they are not telling lies fiction story. these people ever existed.

    if i were mika i would be happy too even i was in that kind of situation.. even if you were there telling those to mika, i think she won’t hear you.

  • WTF…..yes, its sweet sad movie .in other side, i really annoying w/ that silly immoral scene

    just watch th movie, n shut your mouth

  • your critiqued is not music to the ears. but it is indeed the truth,and the way you write it is hilarious. X)

  • 3 years later and still going strong? *salutes*

    And tj, the most ironic thing is that you probably know more about Japan and understand Japanese better than most of the inane commenters here. =P

  • you are the one who is stupid, some of your line in your summary didn’t match to the real one, your a big liar!!!!!

  • LOL. Thank you for making a large effort in making this review. BUT, i already had watched KOIZORA and i actually liked it. It is not the same with other movies or dramas with actually end happily. In koizora they portray REALITY. :) but i appreciate your effort though :)

  • Greg, I can’t imagine why you would cook regular broccoli any differently than Chinese broccoli….maybe add an extra minute of cooking but other than that I’d say everything else is the same.

  • I don’t understand why you hated it so much? I just watched it with no prior knowledge whatsoever about the film and absolutely loved it.
    I understand that you are entitled to you opinions but please back them up intelligently or with enough evidence to show that the movie was that bad.

  • I just finished this piece of shit melodramatic film. and this was the first thing I typed into google search

  • KOIZORA IS SUCK! :D couldn’t agreed more…

  • KOIZORA is the best japanese movie ever!! <3

  • dude
    pls burn in hell
    i fckng hate you man
    fah q. you cool man?

  • I agree with the writer. I think this movie doesn’t portray reality, so cliche. XDDD.

    @ beatriz etc.. Well, coz it’s just a movie so you don’t have to be angry and scold anyone who disagree. What the hell is wrong with Americans? Racism is not good…. q(-.-)p

    Note: I am not an American, peace..(-.-)V

  • I absolutely loved the movie
    but this review was funny, like a satire of it.
    We live off cliches and corny movies, that’s what makes it so good! Imagine movies being truly based on reality…That’s boring. We like to have a separate world where these beautiful things happen. The story is supposed to make you appreciate so much, understand love and affection, regardless of culture, age, or agenda. This comes straight from a story, so whether it’s the comic, the movie, or the drama, it’s a wonderful love story. What makes it more intriguing is that the male is sick, not the female. Usually its always the girl who has cancer or something. It gives of the male’s perspective. Its lovely. Very sweet but sad story.

  • “Japanese males can’t act at all, all they can do is pose their best angle for the camera and look pretty while silly Japanese women swoon over them.” Not true. Sure, not every one of those pretty boys in japanese movies are great actors, but most of them are.
    “His hairstyle is so perfect and well-groomed you cannot bloody take Hiro seriously at all.” Remember, we’re talking about movie here, not reality. Most actresses in a movies always wake up with a full make up :P Don’t take things like these too seriously.
    “So they have sex!! Hello, 16-year olds??” Some kids these days start having sex when they are ~12-14 yo. Imo that’s way too young, but 16 years olds aren’t kids anymore. They are old enough to decide if they are ready for sex mentally & physically. And also, once again, we’re talking about movie here ;)
    “The shape of the hat gives away that the actor didn’t shave his head at all!” This 1 is seriously pissing me off. It’s pretty common for those who lost their hair due to cancer to wear hats and scarves in hospital or public places. So even if he would’ve shaved his head, it wouldn’t make difference if he’s gonna keep the hat on during the movie scenes anyway.

    To be honest, the movie was so boring that i watched only the first ~30 mins of it. However, i loved Koizora drama. The plot is pretty much same on both of them but the actors are different, and drama is longer (ofc). Though some of the things u said pissed me off, your review made me laugh anyway :D These are matter of opinions; u can’t always please everyone :)

  • sorry to tell you this but if you want to judge koizora go watch the tv series first. there you will see the whole picture. secondly the movie and tv series and also manga is based on a book which Mika wrote. its her true story you idiot. So these people existed and went through this. and come on if you dont like japanese actors and such why do u even bother watching them??? Not like Americans are so perfect in everything.

  • I would just like to say: I love how everyone says
    “I am not racist against Americans.”

    America/American isn’t a race xD

  • Umm…AIDS isn’t a cancer…just thought I should point that out to you. If you’re gonna go and totally strip the male protagonist of the chivalry he’s supposed to have at least be reasonable in doing so. You can say what you want about the movie and whatnot but there’s a much better way of doing it…

    • also, he didn’t ask to meet her in a remote place where no one could hear her scream, they were supposed to meet at a bus stop, and the RAPISTS took her to a secluded place. i don’t see how that didn’t make sense to you, i mean, rapists don’t take people to crowded places to commit their crimes.

  • doesnt matter

    seriously, you are a BITCH, man. if you hated the movie that much, WHY DO U EVEN BOTHER MAKING THIS KIND OF COMMENT?????

  • i am guessing you didn’t even pay attention to the movie …. or you were just to stupid to understand. for one … the main lead aka hiro clearly had cancer before he left mika which was shown though conversation he had with his sister that apparently your underdeveloped brain was unable to register
    “The catch is that this Hiro guy dumped his old girlfriend for Mika because Mika is hotter.”
    lol yeah that but arnt we all physically attracted to s/he before we get to know them ? and mind you they talked on the phone about things that they were interested in . not that personality and stuff doesn’t matter , infact it does a lot,but chances are since you had time to write a completely biased and mostly untrue review . your probably too unattactice inside and out to have anyone who would like you
    oh and again i quote you “For the benefit of those who didn’t see the show I shall summarise its plot.” if you were going to summarize it at least summarize it properly … all you did was make everything seem like it sucked and left out all the good points inserting no spoiler tag whatsoever .

  • whoever WROTE THIS,SUCK MY DICK. .japanese rock

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