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When Otaku Meet Real Girls

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Kimikiss is over, with Clannad and True Tears to follow. Following the anime season of love, the dreams of romance have been seeded in many an otaku and they are now hungry for real life love. They believe, it is time for them to shine in the real world’s arena of love!

But life isn’t like anime, or is it? I’ve collated many real-life observations of how otaku confuse anime romance with real life ones, to much hilarity. See the list below and try not to do the same.

Otaku View: Man, all these girls are mother fucking ugly. They have pores, pimples, fart, shit and worse of all, do not have professionally-trained voices like Noto Mamiko!
Real Life: You are ugly too. Your voice sucks, even if you win some anime song karaoke contest organised by a great anime blogger. Your best clothes are fit only for McDonalds’, even Pizza Hut employees toss you out of their high class restaurant. Real girls do not look like anime girls because anime girls are not real.

Otaku View: Wow, watch me pet this girl’s head and ruffle her sweet soft hair! I feel like a Key hero! She must like it.
Real Life: The girl is seething with anger at your dirty hands messing up her neatly styled hair, not to mention rubbing dirt onto her sensitive scalp. Also, she doesn’t like strangers touching her head. In Thailand, you would be murdered for it as touching head is rape.

Otaku View: This girl verbally abuses me. She must be tsundere! Deep down, she is insecure, and harbours much desire to be loved by me. If I persist, she will break out of her cocoon and show her lovey side.
Real Life: She hates you and wishes for you to stop stalking her. Or she’s just a bitch.

Otaku View: I will and must muster up the courage to confess to the girl of my dreams!
Real Life: She’s just going to be freaked out. Even if you weren’t otaku. Confessions only work in anime, even real Japanese society doesn’t really do it at all. Why? Because people get frightened when some random guy/girl they don’t even like, waltzes up and declares their love.

Otaku View: Fireworks erupt and romantic music from Spitz starts playing in the background, as accidental hand brushes escalate to the proudest moment of the anime series, HAND HOLDING!!
Real Life: Happens in a split second, when crossing the road. "HEY WATCH OUT FOR CARS *grabs hand*"

Otaku View: A bolt of electricity-like emotion connects us lovers as we lock lips passionately with proper sanitation! Also with fireworks and background music. I am also godly at kissing even though I’ve never done it before and the girl is completely blown away by me.
Real Life: In the slight chance that an otaku gets to this stage, he forgets to close his eyes, stares hard ahead and wriggles his tongue like a frantic slug on a saucepan, spewing saliva all over his and her face. Also, no fireworks and background music.

Otaku View: I think these girls from sports class are all in love with me! They always blush when looking at me!!!
Real Life: Nobody except the rarest unlucky girls blush when looking at their crushes. And for those who actually do, generally their entire face turns bright red, rather than the cute dainty cheek blushes seen in anime. Also, those sports girls just had their blood capillaries dilated to increase blood flow on the surface of their skin, to vent excess heat for the sake of homeostasis.

Otaku View: All girls will fall in love with me if I do nice things for them, such as organising a theatre club, gardening their ruined plots of land and other chores. And when they fall in love with me, they will all band together in a nice clique and talk about how great I am, without any animosity. They will then cry when I finally pick one of them.
Real Life: Nobody likes the otaku, they just want him to do stuff like teach maths. On the off chance that multiple girls do, they will hate each other and bitch non-stop like how Hung bitches about Owen S and Impz because he isn’t winning the Anime Blog Awards.

Otaku View: I think vigorously rubbing the clitoris up and down just like in eroge will result in the girl’s climax within 20 seconds! And two gallons of fluid erupt!
Real Life: You might go your entire life without touching one. They will think it’s painful to have their genitals treated like a pump-action Super Soaker. Oh the two gallons is true.

Do you guys have any more to add? Personal experiences perhaps, where you drew upon the knowledge of an anime situation only to realise that real life isn’t like that?

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60 Responses to “When Otaku Meet Real Girls”  

  1. 1 Kurogane 111 comments

    Ouch. Really. Ouch.

    Can’t deny it’s pretty spot on. ahaha~

  2. 2 DrmChsr0 163 comments

    Number 4 I can relate to. FROM WHEN I WAS 10 lololol.

    Also, most otaku are so socially inept they rarely come out of their rooms to pet a cat, to even think of them being in a stable relationship is pretty much wishful thinking.

    I’m just saying.

  3. 3 bj0rN 139 comments

    ouch

  4. 4 totali 3 comments

    So I was playing Harvest Moon the other day.

    If only life were as easy as giving girls gifts until they wanted your bod.

    …….wait.

  5. 5 Hinano 93 comments

    Umm 2 gallons? WTF ew @_@;
    If anything leaks more than 2 gallons perhaps the girl hasn’t gone to the bathroom the entire day or something….xD

  6. 6 jpmeyer 75 comments

    You need to do the follow up “When Otaku Meet Real Dolls”

  7. 7 Kamineko 1 comment

    Well, as an otaku myself, I do wish life were like in anime, but I also no it isn’t, not even japanese, as stupid and non-human as they are, live like this.

    I myself don’t think I’m socially inept, but I couldn’t be polite to save my life. But then again, I couldn’t care about other people less ^_^ They don’t need me and I don’t need them, so I stay out of their way and try not to hurt or kill them if they come onto mine.

    Yeah, otaku are sad, and in a way I’m too, but hey, life’s just way too short!

  8. 8 TheBigN 51 comments

    “Umm 2 gallons? WTF ew @_@;”

    The heck’s wrong with you? That’s a perfectly good amount!

    I always wonder if a lot of people are really quite as bad as tj notes here. It’s still funny though. :P

  9. 9 FortMan 1 comment

    “In Thailand, you would be murdered for it as touching head is rape.”

    Now, now. We Thai are a little more civilized than that. She’ll just slap you silly. XD

    Side note: Yeah, touching head of someone who isn’t way, way younger than you is a big no-no. Even then, it’s only okay to somebody you really know well.

  10. 10 G-Man 20 comments

    LOL… I don’t know about other otakus but acting out scenes that I see in anime work alllllllllllllll the time for me. You have to understand that if a girl really likes you, she thinks everything you do is cool! And that’s if she really really likes you..you know like you’re the highlight of her day and she sleeps thinking about you kind of liking. Of course it takes a lot of work to get a girl like this and I don’t disclose my secrets for fear otakus will use it for revenge or other nefarious activities.

    Here’s how being an otaku works for me:

    Otaku view: If a girl hates you it is really a sign that she harbors deep passion for you and really wants to jump your body but is unable to express it.

    G-man’s view: If a girl hates you but still frequently keeps contact with you, or tolerates you, it means she doesn’t really hate you as much as she puts on. Now, consider from where these emotions of hatred spring… It’s all endorphins, serotonin and dopamine workin their voodoo magic on the human psyche. These are what i like to call our personal opiates..yea i said it “opiates”!! These are the very same chemicals that are used for the feelings of being “in love”. So how can you turn feelings of hate into feelings of love. HA HA HA HAHA LIKE I’LL TELL!!! but what I will say is this… When we interact with most people we’re usually expressing polluted indifference. What I mean by polluted indifference is that we may be a bit partial or impartial to them but for the most part we are neutral. We hardly ever really really deeply like or despise anyone. So when some dude comes along and arouses intense feelings in a girl whether its love or hatred, deep down inside she is appreciative that you saved her from the boring tedious neutral zone. Or she is just hooked on some personal opiates, same diff. So once you learn how to turn that intensity and appreciation into your favor you got yourself a devotee.

    Disclaimer: G-man is not a normal person. Therefore, all normal people should not engage in such behavior that is indeed fantastical, illusory and just plain dumb. These opinions are not that of a qualified expert in psychology or neurobiology. If you ignore this disclaimer and desire to trend on these forbidden waters, just know that you have been warn and accept all personal liability. These liabilities include personal injury, litigation, brothers beating you up, being ostracize from society, etc…

    I am G-man!

  11. 11 Beowulf Lee 19 comments

    This girl was telling me about how she hates standardized tests and how she feels that if she doesn’t get into a super college that she thinks she’ll fail in life. After marathoning through Kanon the night before, I was about to instinctively start petting her head… when her boyfriend showed up. My point? I have no point.

  12. 12 Kabitzin 66 comments

    Nobody likes the otaku, they just want him to do stuff like teach maths. On the off chance that multiple girls do, they will hate each other and bitch non-stop like how Hung bitches about Owen S and Impz because he isn’t winning the Anime Blog Awards.

    DOH! But what about how Shana and Kazumi are friends now?!

    2 gallons means you severed a major blood vessel I think…

  13. 13 super rats 99 comments

    2 gallons = a career in video.

  14. 14 G-Man 20 comments
  15. 15 voodoomage 1 comment

    Heh, married with 3 kids…. 2 gallons is just about right…when their damn water break and they are giving birth…. not the most pleasant thing in the world… but ah well… we can dream…

  16. 16 Caitlin 8 comments

    *LOL* This is great. I don’t have any stories to add but I have heard some otaku lament over perceived negatives in real life girls. I didn’t have the heart to tell them this may be why they were (are?) still single.

  17. 17 hitoshura 13 comments

    There’s a qns asked by konata.

    “Why is it assumed that otaku guys think that otaku girls make the best girlfriends?”

    To be honest, i can’t answer it. I always thought about it that way too. But i can’t answer that qns. I think it would be great to share your fav hobby with your loved one. But not many girls are that into anime.

    Being a nerd, a student in a game design course, where 3/4 of my life is spent being in front of the computer, wanking, drawing, 3d modelling. It’s my life. But they say i don’t have a life. Does it matter? I’m enjoying what i’m doing, Do i have to force myself hang out so i can get a life?

    The points brought up in the post, all so true. But which side is screwed-up now? Us or the girls? Percieved negatives are actually normal points that can be found in a char bo. But anime came and screw up our perception of negatives. The fact that we see these percieved negatives to be more amplified means if we, by CHANCE do meet a girl who is willing to accept us, it’s more likely that we would be much more stable than any dick with a pussy dancing at the pub or something.

    Not calling any grapes sour, but not having a partner is no big deal, the society’s changing, i’m seeing more working woman than man in the friggin mrt (well maybe men drive). Your hobby’s fine. There’s silicon dolls if you need one. Maybe it’s not even because we can’t find any, it’s because they don’t want any. But hey, lust screws humans up, find a handsome dick, and she will hang on to it. so i guess it’s looks afterall.

    No need to get pressured into looking for a girl. If you suck at it, you suck at it. Find a good job, support your hobby, Be good at your job, they come to you naturally. In the meantime, play some dating sims if you are that desperate.

    Note: do you note the IRONY of girls dumping their nerd bfs to fuck some cool guy, only to have a newspaper report 2 months later citing how naive and stupid she was to put trust in that guy now that she has a foetus in her tummy? Go figure, the society now sucks so much, it’s promoting all the wrong values. Bar-top dancing with ugly aunties allowed! Bus stops promoting zouk posters! wow. I call it wrong values, people call that getting a life. fuck it. That’s not saying our countries sexual moderation is becoming relaxed, if it is trying to, how about bringing in some hentai and av, I don’t see mda agreeing with sex alot. We don’t even get moetan here! LOL.

    “The public sucks, fuck hope.” -George Carlin

  18. 18 Stifler 47 comments

    That’s all so true. lol

  19. 19 hitoshura 13 comments

    on a side note, why is densha otoko famous?

    It’s pretty bullshit for a show exclaiming how an otaku manage to get a real girl. -_- Like hell those kind of woman exist.

  20. 20 Owen S 96 comments

    In Thailand, you would be murdered for it as touching head is rape.

    In the Middle East, being within 5m radius of a girl is rape.

  21. 21 Shirukii 4 comments

    Otaku View: This girl verbally abuses me. She must be tsundere! Deep down, she is insecure, and harbours much desire to be loved by me. If I persist, she will break out of her cocoon and show her lovey side.
    Real Life: She hates you and wishes for you to stop stalking her. Or she’s just a bitch.

    Ouch…way to ruin my dreams ;_;

  22. 22 wolfx

    I LOL-ed hard. Possibly based on personal bittersweet experience? :D

    And 2 gallons….wtf?

  23. 23 DS 7 comments

    tj_han, you are the master of anime blog satire. Let’s just give you some award on the basis of this post alone and dispense with all this nomination and voting nonsense. Give one to Hung too so he will not have to be unhappy.

    Figure Otaku View: Take many pictures of figures from different angles in various locations. This will make me happy.
    Real Life: Take pictures of a real girl and stuffed animal from different angles in various locations. This makes me even happier!

  24. 24 Nekonron 4 comments

    lol @ the last one.

    But yeah, reality is truly a sad world.

  25. 25 SnooSnoo 5 comments

    I can relate to head patting since I’ve done it since childhood, to most of my female friends.
    Notably, 9 out of 10 complained about it. >_>

  26. 26 Tiny Red Man 101 comments

    Otaku view: OMG..girls are staring at me…*blush* what should I do? stare at them back, or..or…look away? do they like me? Yes? No? OMGOMGOMG Should I go up to them and have a chat with them? What if..what if..they..they..ask me out? =D

    Real life: Ommg..this is the first time in my life i have seen a human roach. didn’t know they exist..Hope he doesn’t walk towards me or talk to me and spread his germs all over me. And phew..he stinks…even when i’m 2m alway from him, i can smell his stench.. GET ME OUT OF HERE T_T

    Author’s note:

    The otaku view is from my personal exp, while the real life is what i thought from the girl POV when something like “Otaku View” happens. I hope i done no harm to anyone..

  27. 27 Victor 48 comments

    Tiny i seriously think u alr did some ppl harm haha…

  28. 28 Soshi 26 comments

    Hahaha, you broke a whole bunch of hearts!

    But sadly, as a girl, I have to say that most of your points are correct. Gasp.

  29. 29 exaltdragon 156 comments

    and people think hikikomori is a problem?

    Seems to be the resolution to all the problems mentioned above!

    Or better still, go work in an office and forget your otaku motivations. That way the problem encompassed in “You” is removed..

  30. 30 Setsuna-san 14 comments

    my self esteem evaporated after reading this. way to go.

  31. 31 SnooSnoo 5 comments

    Lol @ Setsuna-san, however I agree with what hitoshura said.
    Don’t have to get pressured into looking for a girl. In time some of these otaku habits will disappear. SOME.
    And probably by then we will look “normal” in front of society. And its not like there aren’t any girls out there who don’t like quiet and unsociable nerds.
    By the way, I love the quote “The public sucks, fuck hope.” Lol

  32. 32 tj_han 1046 comments

    Hey DS, FACEBOOK STALKER??

  33. 33 manga 19 comments

    Well, thanks to being an otaku I´ve gotten a lot of chances with the ladies :p
    Pretty ones as well.

    But my self esteem stopped me every single time.

    Otherwise I have to say that yes, people think like that. And it´s a real shame. But oh well, spend to much time with something and it turns your world upside down.

  34. 34 Soshi 26 comments

    @manga: How do you define “chances”? You sound like you’re in denial. I’ve had many chances with pretty boys too but gasp my self-esteem stopped me.

    And probably my wide girth.

  35. 35 tj_han 1046 comments

    Soshi, you can date some of my friends here! They like otaku chicks.

    I think girls who like people because they are otaku have issues… even Hermes didn’t like Densha for him being otaku, it was for him saving her and his willingness to sacrifice his lifestyle for their sake.

    Also, I stand by my 2 gallons claim.

  36. 36 leefe 66 comments

    Experience tells it all… =X

  37. 37 manga 19 comments

    Soshi: Well, I can´t define it any good actually. Having a girl being drunk and then stripping and wanting to have some “fun” is defined as a chance for me. A bad one indeed but still a chance. And no, nothing happened, somehow we all “cooled down” before anything happened. ANd well, if the same thing would happen again I would hopefully do nothing once again.

    And well, let´s just say I´m not 100% otaku here :p But I´ve never had any problems with making friends with girls, mainly because of how I was brought up and because I was a sucker for anime that included a lot of friendship.

    I´m guessing here but I´m so dumbstruck it took me like 3-4 years before I understood what could have happened…

    Denial, maybe. Either that or I got some girls angry and dissapointed in me. I won´t argue with you there. All I know is that I hadn´t been so damn stupid in my younger years I would probably have had atleast one girlfriend by now. And by stupid I mean never telling the girl how I feelt. But oh well.

    Haven´t thought about this for a coupole of years so you´ll have to excuse me, I might have missremembered some details.

    Thanks for breaking it to me though.

  38. 38 dKiWi 44 comments

    Its posts like these that are gonna keep “otaku” under the social net. The way I see it, playing some visual novels is generally much healthier and more productive than gorging yourself on WoW or TF2 like the “normal” guys with girlfriends are doing. Give that some thought, will ya?

  39. 39 Soshi 26 comments

    @dKiWi: Don’t group TF2 together with WoW!!!! The blasphemy!!!!!

    … I’m no expert in human anatomy but are the effects of playing visual novels really that “generally much healthier” than the average DOTAer? … You’re going to get carpal tunnel a whole lot faster with all that er, wrist action.

    I’m amused at how one post like this gets people pouring out their uber ronery feelings! Lulz.

    I SHALL RETURN TO MY OTOME GAMES!

  40. 40 dKiWi 44 comments

    “I SHALL RETURN TO MY OTOME GAMES!”

    rofl.

  41. 41 hikamikazesama 1 comment

    We cannot hope to understand how a woman is attracted to anyone.We cannot lump their desires in with ours but at the same time we cannot exclude them.Thinking that Anime and Tv shows are examples of how to get a relationship is only natural. We are in an time that anything we see we accept and apply to our own lives, but in truth this only clouds our natural judgement and skills of attracting someone as we paint a false portrait of ourselves.
    Simply put we control our lives and what we do.Trying to hard well get us frustrated as will not trying at all.
    We have the choice to sit by and allow things to happen on thier own and we have the choice to allow things to happen on our own.That is the Ultimatum.
    You get what you give

  42. 42 dKiWi 44 comments

    okok shit I wanted to say it, but I thought it was kinda obvious.

    heck this post is supposed to be sataritical… I mean tj_han has a girlfriend no?

    That’s why I voted riuva best satire blog lol ^^

    Don’t take life so seriously ya? :)

  43. 43 jinyamato 80 comments

    wonderful entry… it would bring down all the otakus… good job tj

  44. 44 Impz 24 comments

    I loled you. That is why we do not need flaming. We have TJ.

  45. 45 tj_han 1046 comments

    WAIT SO THE MOSTNORMAL PEOPLE DKIWI CAN THINK OF ARE WOW GAMERS?

    DKiwi, lol you must swim around in the anus of the internet. But I jest, this post is satire no doubt designed for me to win the ultra-prestigious anime blog awards, that entitles me to1 year’s worth of free fansubs.

  46. 46 MistaYoH 30 comments

    OTL. absolute win lawlz

  47. 47 dKiWi 44 comments

    WoW and DOTA gamers yupz yupz.

  48. 48 asdf 3 comments

    just happened to stumble on this page - and can’t stop laughing … but seriously, I enjoy seeing otaku pathetically day-dream about their non-existent 2d multi-girlfriends. Their attitude towards life amuses me. And I also enjoy seeing them suffer; I enjoy teasing otaku pedophiles who try to do all of those things you’ve nicely listed above, and me hurting them again and again - both mentally and physically.

    Ah… life is great for a mixed race 12-year-old girl like me.

    Great post - I salute you.

  49. 49 Soshi 26 comments

    @asdf: …You hurt them physically. You’re 12.

    Is your name AIDS?

  50. 50 hitoshura 13 comments

    or is your name SLUT?

  51. 51 dKiWi 44 comments

    The sheer brutality. But honestly, the internet doesn’t have social hierarchies or controls put in place to safeguard anyone from non-hierarchal dialogue which won’t ever happen in real-life. Probably a reason why the older generation is automatically shut out and despise the internet with a passion.

    asdf, welcome to the real world. As real as reality is, it is actually bleakly fake. But life flows smoother being fake and all, so its fine actually. The sooner u understand that the better. Or maybe not.

  52. 52 Yumeno 2 comments

    Lmao 2 gallons…

  53. 53 Hiyuu 36 comments

    O_O 2 gallons is… alot. But i think u can modify a super soaker to hold 2 gallons.

    I found most of the references very amusing, and after seeing this demotivational-poster (which said: “Narutards - Made of pure, epic fail” and with picture of fat ugly half-*-cosplay otaku) recently, I really do wonder if there are people who mix up reality with anime-land. According to a friend, he has met TWO (not one, TWO!) such “confused” souls before. Disturbing =S

  54. 54 Zeroblade 129 comments

    “In the Middle East, being within 5m radius of a girl is rape.”

    In Japan, rape is not rape.

  55. 55 shirokiryuu 1 comment

    Hahaha. Although Otaku girls are probably have the same level of delusion. If I didn’t know better, I would think that if I am sort of clumsy do-good girl that magically the hottest most popular guy in school with fall in love with me.

    Although I don’t mind otaku views, but I sometimes automatically question if girls really act that way. Sometimes anime feels like a foreign world where societial rules are familliar but slightly different.

    Otaku or not, it doesn’t really matter as long as that person is an understanding and reasonable person. I think it would be nice to have someone with similar interest as me.

  56. 56 Marmot 1 comment

    HAHAHA HAHA HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING TRUE IAESJGKLASJGLKSDHJKLSHJ

    I’m never dating another otaku. :| The ones I’ve known think they know everything about life because they’ve ~lived vicariously~ through Japanese cartoon characters. Yeah, hey, guys, wake the fuck up. For the billionth time, anime =/= real life. Read a book read a book read a MOTHERFUCKING BOOK and actually GO OUT and gain some real life experience, and then maybe you’ll nab a girlfriend if she can get past the arrogance, ignorance, and stench.

    tl;dr AIDS

  57. 57 Meguneesan 1 comment

    I would MURDER the first otaku to ruffle my goddamn hair. Even if I don’t go out of my way to style it, I still put forth decent effort to make it look nice. And you know what? Hair is already hard enough to manage without otaku handsludge in it. Touch it and -die-.

  58. 58 Depredation 1 comment

    Hah! Holy crap! That was seriously funny and somewhat true…aaaand I don’t wanna be an Otaku….no offense.

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Do you think Otaku should seek a fellow Otaku as their significant other?
  • Yes. Matching interests, and they wouldn't find each other repulsive.: 34% (119)
  • Yes, because otaku can't talk about anything besides their hobbies.: 8% (30)
  • No, because that will lead both to a spiral of increasing otakuness.: 12% (43)
  • No, because male otakus think female ones are ugly and weird and female ones think likewise about male ones.: 21% (74)
  • Otakus do not need such a thing.: 25% (87)

Total Votes : 353
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