But life isn’t like anime, or is it? I’ve collated many real-life observations of how otaku confuse anime romance with real life ones, to much hilarity. See the list below and try not to do the same.
Otaku View: Man, all these girls are mother fucking ugly. They have pores, pimples, fart, shit and worse of all, do not have professionally-trained voices like Noto Mamiko!
Real Life: You are ugly too. Your voice sucks, even if you win some anime song karaoke contest organised by a great anime blogger. Your best clothes are fit only for McDonalds’, even Pizza Hut employees toss you out of their high class restaurant. Real girls do not look like anime girls because anime girls are not real.
Otaku View: Wow, watch me pet this girl’s head and ruffle her sweet soft hair! I feel like a Key hero! She must like it.
Real Life: The girl is seething with anger at your dirty hands messing up her neatly styled hair, not to mention rubbing dirt onto her sensitive scalp. Also, she doesn’t like strangers touching her head. In Thailand, you would be murdered for it as touching head is rape.
Otaku View: This girl verbally abuses me. She must be tsundere! Deep down, she is insecure, and harbours much desire to be loved by me. If I persist, she will break out of her cocoon and show her lovey side.
Real Life: She hates you and wishes for you to stop stalking her. Or she’s just a bitch.
Otaku View: I will and must muster up the courage to confess to the girl of my dreams!
Real Life: She’s just going to be freaked out. Even if you weren’t otaku. Confessions only work in anime, even real Japanese society doesn’t really do it at all. Why? Because people get frightened when some random guy/girl they don’t even like, waltzes up and declares their love.
Otaku View: Fireworks erupt and romantic music from Spitz starts playing in the background, as accidental hand brushes escalate to the proudest moment of the anime series, HAND HOLDING!!
Real Life: Happens in a split second, when crossing the road. "HEY WATCH OUT FOR CARS *grabs hand*"
Otaku View: A bolt of electricity-like emotion connects us lovers as we lock lips passionately with proper sanitation! Also with fireworks and background music. I am also godly at kissing even though I’ve never done it before and the girl is completely blown away by me.
Real Life: In the slight chance that an otaku gets to this stage, he forgets to close his eyes, stares hard ahead and wriggles his tongue like a frantic slug on a saucepan, spewing saliva all over his and her face. Also, no fireworks and background music.
Otaku View: I think these girls from sports class are all in love with me! They always blush when looking at me!!!
Real Life: Nobody except the rarest unlucky girls blush when looking at their crushes. And for those who actually do, generally their entire face turns bright red, rather than the cute dainty cheek blushes seen in anime. Also, those sports girls just had their blood capillaries dilated to increase blood flow on the surface of their skin, to vent excess heat for the sake of homeostasis.
Otaku View: All girls will fall in love with me if I do nice things for them, such as organising a theatre club, gardening their ruined plots of land and other chores. And when they fall in love with me, they will all band together in a nice clique and talk about how great I am, without any animosity. They will then cry when I finally pick one of them.
Real Life: Nobody likes the otaku, they just want him to do stuff like teach maths. On the off chance that multiple girls do, they will hate each other and bitch non-stop like how Hung bitches about Owen S and Impz because he isn’t winning the Anime Blog Awards.
Otaku View: I think vigorously rubbing the clitoris up and down just like in eroge will result in the girl’s climax within 20 seconds! And two gallons of fluid erupt!
Real Life: You might go your entire life without touching one. They will think it’s painful to have their genitals treated like a pump-action Super Soaker. Oh the two gallons is true.
Do you guys have any more to add? Personal experiences perhaps, where you drew upon the knowledge of an anime situation only to realise that real life isn’t like that?