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[LianYL] This Is How You Attain Full Marks For Essays

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I was linked to a Chinese BBS site yesterday to read an interesting article. Apparently, one Chinese publisher decided to publish a compilation of past-year high school graduation examination model essays and somehow included in it a somewhat suspicious piece of writing. Not to mention that the book was a compilation of full-mark essays. I doubt someone really wrote this for the exams but it’s still worth a read. I would glady purchase the book if I ever came across it.

Regretfully, most of the Chinese humour is lost in translation so for those who can’t read Chinese, enjoy a quarter of the humour. For the others, you may read the original text at the link above.

Translated passage:
Essay Question:
Do you still remember your childhood? As one grows and matures, the once beautiful aspirations and simple pleasures of life eventually leave us. Within the lush forests, the Mayan civilisation evaporated; along the Silk Route, the Kingdom of Gaochang vanished. Mankind progresses along transience. As we walk alongside transience, we sigh as we witness the changing of seasons, or quote “Who says life can’t be any shorter?”…
What are your sentiments after reading the paragraph above? Write an essay with the theme “Walking Amid Transience”. You could narrate a personal story, express your emotions or just voice out your views.

Walking Amid Transience: The 3 Greatnesses of Lolis – Petite, Slender, Push-easy

I dedicate this piece of writing to all the named and unnamed otakus who are warriors in their firm battle for the great Otakudom.
“A little setback means nothing; there will be a solution no matter what. Regardless, I will heed whatever you request, my Master. ‘Do whatever as you please Master’ … …”

I do not understand why, but this line suddenly played on in my mind. I fully understand that it is not time for me to be lazing around, but I cannot help but put down my writing pen and paused on whatever I had been writing on the examination script.

“It is… summer.” The relentless sun conveys the summer atmosphere, I could not help but sigh at this thought.

Yes, it is indeed already summer. It is the time when lolis start using their cute, pink lips to suck on mysterious white fluids flowing down what might be a rod that is smacked with heavy mosaic. The cheerful lolis will not be defeated by this extreme heat, they are always full of life. Be it when they are wearing their dark-coloured one-piece swimsuits, or be it the miniskirts they wear that might flash a cartoon bear image anytime, the light that is called “Moe” which shimmers on them will always be brighter than the sun, and feasting to the eyes.
This, is the season of “Moe”.

But… but what is this depression I am experiencing despite this blissful season?

Regardless of the scenic changing of seasons, no matter how beautiful a flower might be, there will come a time when it has to bear fruit—not to mention the shy little flower buds awaiting to blossom. In contrast, the time they exist are so much shorter, so much that I could cry.
A classic literature which featured a 10000-year-old shota had this to quote, “Everytime a loli refutes the existence of faeries, another faerie dies. “

The writer did not bother to continue to elaborate.

I believe that whenever a loli refutes the existence of faeries, their life as a loli ends. A loli who has shed her innocence is like a flower which has shed its colours, withering at a rate visible to the naked eye. These lolis might end up becoming Yaoi Girls who exclaim “May all be seme, All’s Homo with the World”; or they could just end up as haggard obasans debating with the storekeeper over twenty cent discounts, that is something no one can bear to witness. Oh the lolis with the moe moe cheerful smiles!~

Flowers bloom and wither. Every year, a batch of lolis turn into maidens, progressing towards the unforgiving world of elder sisters and wives. Their departure is like that of the falling petals of the cherry blossom, vanishing in its prime. So beautiful, yet so heartbreaking.
Other than suffering from a heartbreak, what else can I do?

Just like the unchangeable fact of an ever-increasing entropy, time flies by us—as their pass by, they mercilessly remove the halos of moe…

However, however!…

How could we enjoy our blossom of flowers in the consecutive years if this batch of flowers does not go?
If the lolis do not wither, where can we possibly enjoy our smiles of elder sisters and mature ladies?
Indeed, time has robbed us of our moe moe lolis, but at the same time, time has given these ex-lolis a greater variation in moe-ness.
Lolis are moe, but a world with only lolis is not. If we were to just focus on the growth of lolis, and end up ignoring our 3-lesses(speechless, heartless, emotionless) and nadeshikos, moe statuses that only levels above elder sisters can attain, we will just be going against our otaku
agenda of total dominatrix.

In the morning, I worship thee, elder sisters; in the evening, I push thee, lolis. I lure the mature ladies in spring, while I seduce wives in winter.
Sulking before even motivating oneself to attain such a level of moe-ness is unacceptable by otaku standards.
My inner lust burns greater than scorching wax, my will to walk on is pumped up stronger than before.
No matter if you are still around tomorrow, I will still be smiling here.
I smile, as I witness the transience of the lolis; I smile, as I spread out my arms to welcome a tranquil tomorrow.

Marker’s Comments
This piece of writing excels in the fact that it utilizes unique material; it portrays the writer’s understanding of the title “Walking Amid Transience” through the story of an online game character. As the game protagonist shifts from one phase to another, the theme becomes ever more significant. The author is clearly an online gaming hobbyist or a fan of fantasy fiction. It is really remarkable how he is able to assimilate his interest with his graduation examination paper.

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15 Responses to “[LianYL] This Is How You Attain Full Marks For Essays”  

  1. 1 Nano 41 comments

    I don’t believe there is words like seme in chinese

    i just refuse to


  2. 2 LianYL 589 comments

    You do realise seme is in kanji and kanji are all derived Chinese characters?

  3. 3 edogawaconan 37 comments

    Hey, LOL

    Icie posted this ages ago :P

  4. 4 Crest 16 comments

    The beauty of the title is all lost in translation.

  5. 5 LianYL 589 comments

    Good for you, now you get a better understanding of the passage with my elaboration on Chinese otaku terms.

    English sucks.

  6. 6 jinyamato 81 comments

    this is really rofl…….is that ur essay lian……??? seems to be yours

  7. 7 LHW 2 comments

    This is interesting. Very daring indeed to attempt such a piece of writing during exams.

  8. 8 kokanaden 263 comments

    Nothing surprising.

    I got an A for writing about boy-love.

  9. 9 LHW 2 comments

    The examiner must be a yaoi fan as well. Lol

  10. 10 Deranged 17 comments

    I don’t know what is more funny… the essay or the marker’s comments… XD

  11. 11 Zeroblade 132 comments

    No, it’s some Chinese guy’s essay.

  12. 12 hashihime 17 comments

    The book is available for less than US$2 (plus a lot more for shipping) from amazon.cn, which is very good with international orders.

    If they hadn’t printed the screenshots, I would not have believed it was possible. Now that is modernization, lol. Published by Guangxi Normal College. Kudos to them for their liberal editorial policy.

    And much as I love Chinese, for its expressiveness and conciseness, English definitely does not suck. It’s just that you can’t express as much in as few words in English. But English is so flexible and accepting. And it can be very expressive, as well — although our normal vocabulary is pretty small. (I know you were mainly kidding, but anyway.)

  13. 13 MegaVolt 8 comments

    For a quarter of the humour, that was still pretty damn epic.

  14. 14 PS 15 comments

    damn, you sure did a fine translation there

  15. 15 TP 17 comments

    Sad. Students’ works are being ripped off without reference. (Where’s the Copyright Commons, gentlemen?)

    Secondly, why isn’t such people being accredited for writing a good piece of essay without being socially ostracised?

    Thirdly, I never believed in superiority of any languages over all languages. I appreciate that nothing can fully translate that piece without hanzi-by-hanzi explanation of the essay, but there’s no need to bemoan English-speaking audiences for their ignorance. (The otakudom is not entirely restricted to East Asian speakers, you know?)

    And forth, oh, the joys of loli. How I wither in pain of the passing of the lolis…. Yet it is an understanding of compromise that only by describing the subtleties of such changes, we can fully appreciate such transience, like a beautiful butterfly, from its ugly life as a caterpillar.

    P.S.: Fifth, it’s 4:02 a.m. here. It’s probably the caffeine I took just now.

Do not use any < and > for your own sake. It will end the comment there and then. Also, there is an automatic IQ filter which weeds out comments made by those who accidentally got transported from the stone age.

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