The rather lengthy title drives home the fact that wallpapers, on the computer, are serious business. Why, you say? Why can’t you have a large picture of a undressed Shana with a cucumber up her birth canal, you say? Sure, you could, but that would lead to certain undesirably side effects in the trifling object we normally call "life". Effects which involve cold metal bars or eternal solitude.
Let’s first look at a few important points.
- Wallpapers are the image that serves as a background for this "desktop", which most computers come with. If you do not appear to have one, then a) turn on your monitor or b) clear your icons.
- If you use your laptop in class, lecture or for presentations, the desktop image is what people will notice most. The next thing is your boobs, or moobs if any. But let’s not go there.
- Your interests will be judged based on that image.
- You will be evaluated based on what your interests are.
- You want to feel good about using your computer and seeing a favourite nice picture is one way to do so.
- You want to show individuality and the uniqueness of your computer.
The above brief points summarise what’s the big deal about desktop wallpapers. Now, we shall look at how to pick wallpapers.
The golden rules are many and must be followed if you don’t want to become a failure at life.
Unlike a normal picture, a desktop wallpaper is special in that it must be a supporter, not the focal point. Indeed, a good wallpaper must not steal attention away from the true stars of the desktop, the icons. If you’re too busy looking at the wallpaper and can’t find the icons, you have chose a bad wallpaper. Personally I find the rule of thirds, used in photography, to be applicable. Except that you should take wallpapers that occupy about 1/3 or even 1/9 of your screen. This is because icons will take up about another 1/3 and thus complete the 2/3 rule. Narutards love to pick extremely filled wallpapers that look nice as a picture but turn out like shit as the wallpaper as important details are covered by icons, leaving a feeling of frustration every time the wallpaper is viewed.
Like, "Hey let me showz you my neato wallpaperz! Wait a min, hey the mother fucking icons are blocking my Sasuke!"
Example of good wallpaper.
The seemingly random lines lead our eyes into looking at the girl, without diminishing the visibility of our precious icons.
The classic, clean, 1/3 desktop rule. Plenty of space for messy icon abusers like myself who store a shit load of stuff on the front page.
Oh!Great is a good wallpaper mine too. This one is a tad messy for my own liking but clearly shows how shapes can be used to compose.
Example of bad wallpaper.
I bet that’s exactly how your desktop looks like.
This is related to the point above - the wallpaper must not be too complex. Since the computer is generally used for work (Puzzle Fighter is serious business), the desktop should be soothing, like a neat clean tabletop. If your table is full of sauce stains, crumbs and leftovers, you will feel pissed off, just like how girls feel when their panties are stained with menstrual blood. Low complexity for most of the image, with perhaps neat geometry shapes leading to the main 1/3 subject who can be complex, is best.
Otherwise, you can just set borders on where your icons can be stored.
So simple, yet so complex in meaning. What one seeks in life is to bring across as many in as little. That’s why there is so much sperm in a tablespoon of semen.
Example of bad wallpaper.
I don’t know where this is from but what the hell are those scrawly things dirtying the table? I can’t see my icons! My eyes hurt!
I set the projector, connect it to my laptop, and click the power point slides. I minimise to show a spreadsheet, and voila! MY DESKTOP IS A MIKO BUSTY SEXY BABE HAVING PROCREATION RITUALS WITH HORSES! What will my professor think? Perhaps "This student should be in the agricultural sciences, not food science. Or religious studies." More likely, "Ooh he loves cartoon porn! I must get some from him.
Sexiness is a huge no-no for desktop wallpapers. Sure, we all love a nice sexy image on 4chan or danbooru, but everyone’s ashamed of them on a more formal stage. Even regular people don’t use FHM posters as wallpapers in formal settings. There’s no point risking it. Things to avoid: cleavage, chest/rump extending postures, sweatiness, panty bulges, cameltoes, panties of all colours and patterns, boobs, nipples and extremely large boobs. Or penises for that matter if you’re one of those yaoi fans.
It also saves on the embarrassment of having to explain why you like cartoon girls with extremely large boobs that defy gravity, to your coursemate females who will then interpret any sort of response as "Oh creepy this guy is sick he wants huge boobs and is staring at mine, wishing they were as large, so he can fondle and do the bukkake thing on me!"
If you want your desktop anime girl to reveal flesh, you’ll have to find pictures which are tastfully done in the name of art. Check out these examples. These are not meant to be arousing, but rather intriguing so onlookers will be in awe of your respect of the human anatomy.
Similarly, loli stuff are very very bad. In today’s climate, even pictures of Ichigo Mashimaro girls will get you looked at strangely, with whisperings of "Call the police, I think he wants to rape children."
I guess the problem is solved if you photoshop a large "My Daughter" arrow.
Example of good wallpaper.
This is great as it does not seek to titillate but to show how Chise holds much power in contrast to her meek and seemingly fragile shoulders. The neutral colours and melancholic posture further give information on how she is exploited and sad.
On the other hand, this is a sexy one as she’s in a tiny nightgown. Yet emphasis is cleverly shifted onto her armlet and katana. Men value armour and weapons above boobs so they won’t look at the tits that much. Also note how this is great desktop composition as you can place the icons on the right.
Mainstreamism of Subject and Design
You want your interests and preferences to be known via your wallpaper, yet you don’t want to appear as some wanker who tears sakura tree branches. You want people who are like-minded to come up and exclaim, "Oh you’re an IGPX fan too!". You want to be unique yet recognisable. What do you do? You hit the "delete" button on all Naruto/Bleach wallpapers.
The thing is, not all series are made to be good wallpapers. There are some which you really like as a show, but make horrible wallpapers. I tried to get a nice Full Metal Panic wallpaper but to no avail. All the ones out there either had too much sexiness (Ooooh my Tessa!) or were just ugly. You’re Under Arrest as well, has pure sexy wallpapers despite not being a sexy show. Deathnote wallpapers make you look like a wannabe goth emo fag who hopped onto the new "ooh brain teaser" DN gravy train. One Piece wallpapers make you look childish. Inuyasha wallpapers scream of your secret desire to be a fat girl who loves buttsex viewage. School Rumble wallpapers lead onlookers to wonder if you have a fetish for school girls. Vandread wallpapers always have large tits or girl on guy action. In fact most common anime character designs fail the wallpaper litmus test.
What a good wallpaper needs is actually beautifully unique character design. Thus, it is infinitely easier to get illustrations as wallpaper rather than actual anime series. Range Murata is one example whose works make for great desktops. His art deco style mixed with complex steampunk designs on specific parts fulfils the requirement of good wallpaper. Other good ones include Lain (explains the commonness of Lain wallpapers), Samurai Champloo (cool hiphop fusion), Eureka seveN (colorful disco) and most GAINAX works.
The last point is useful. GAINAX works make for great wallpapers. FLCL and Eva in particular are the most successful as they are not that mainstream, yet stylish and unique. GONZO also has good wallpapers, with the likes of Speed Grapher, Gankutsuou, Last Exile and GK21. Speed Grapher cheats as it has a manga which is done by a hugely talented guy who can’t write.
There’s a fine balance between being overly mainstream and despised, or being overly esoteric and pretentious. Achieve the balance by choosing wisely.
Nothing says "I’m a loser who thinks an orange ninja is ultra-cool and the bestest best thing ever!" better than a Naruto wallpaper even if it is nice and well composed.
This is a great photoshop of a Range Murata picture.
Particularly important for laptops, colour scheme is integral to the overall aesthetic beauty of your computer. You should make sure your desktop matches the casing of your laptop. For example, mine is a matt black Thinkpad so it goes well with white backgrounds. Use a colour wheel for ease of selection.
The lack of colour on this one lets it match very easily with any black laptop, preferably a jetblack one like the thinkpad. It’s quite a creepy one though I like it.
The funny thing is, my favourite series almost always have no wallpapers. Ghost in the Shell (Motoko too much boobage and sexy, original Masamune artwork ugly), Gintama (Sunrise Korean Studio colour scheme awful), Planetes (None available). Exception is Last Exile really. The good thing about anime is that there are so many series, plus games, manga and original illustrations, so you never really have to pick your top top favourites.
Easy. Make sure it fits your screen resolution. Stretching spoils the proportions of the picture, and the composition and may introduce artifacts and pixelation. Bad bad. Bigger wallpapers are always good as you can resize them.
This is very bad and how your screen would appear to be if using a overly small image. Sort of like how fat women in tight jeans have this muffintop phenomenon where their fats are squeezed upwards into a muffin shape.
Wonderful picture, but you have to cut back on the icons.
So what’s your wall paper at the moment?
If it is a moe one, change it.
If it is a messy one, change it.
If it doesn’t fit your screen, change it.
If it is too sexy, change it.
For this post, I went through at least 2500 wallpapers just to obtain a sufficient sample size upon which to draw my above conclusions. My eyes are killing me now.
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