Beware the Pitfalls of being a Tourist in Singapore

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In view of the many travelling to Singapore for the AFA (ok maybe just Kurogane), I have deemed it to be in their best interests that they learn the secret dark side of our island nation, stuff that the official tourism board would never ever admit to.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend AFA however great the temptation, but we might work something out at night, since I get a car when the sun goes down. That’s because I own an anti-solar car that only functions at night. I call her "Kuromitsu". Lol.

As tourists, you must realise:

The food sucks. Don’t be tricked into thinking we’re some sort of food paradise. That is a pack of marketing lies. If you want good food here, you have to travel, mostly by car, to obscure locations where traditional restaurants and hawkers operate. Generally, what you get in the more convenient town areas are shitty franchises, food courts and fast food. But hey, at least we don’t use drain water to make our soup and we don’t have as many insects!

The costs of living here are far greater than in Malaysia. In other words, don’t bother to shop or pay for anything. Let the Singaporeans hosting you pay for it YEAH BABY!!

The supermarkets stock better quality items at more expensive prices. This is no joke, as I’ve visited many a Malaysian food factory, and they manufacture for both Singapore and Malaysia. The Singaporeans are more picky, have led a better life materialistically and thus are unwilling to accept substandard processed food. The Malaysians in general though are more cost-conscious and can eat air-cake and bone chicken. Literally. I made the mistake of buying the same brand of canned chicken curry in Malaysia and the fuck, it was all slimy bones in a larger tin!! And the packaged cakes have such a high percentage of air it’s a fucking LIE to call it a vanilla cake. More like AIR CAKE. On the bright side, the one and only consistent item is twisties.

The tourism spots here all suck. Don’t bother going, especially to the zoo. The zoo has tigers who eat Malaysians. You might only consider the beach at Sentosa because the sand has been imported from Indonesia, and is soft powdery and perfect. Except you fucking can’t import the sea as well and the sea is the colour of soy sauce, and the consistency of pork lard. BUT you will see nubile young bikini females prancing around. In Malaysia, it’s a lot more conservative as they are a Muslim country (not officially) so everyone wraps up and forgoes the suntan. See the girls now!

Don’t worry about getting lost. It’s impossible to get lost here, it’s not Malaysia. You can hail a cab which is actually a cheat code for getting whereever you want, though it might be pricey. Otherwise, cling onto your Singaporean host like a leech. Just find your way to any MRT station seriously, and the pitiful array of stations and linear travel makes it as easy as eroge. It’s not Tokyo where you have spaghetti clumps as a subway map.

The shopping sucks. As otaku, I doubt you’ll shop anything besides anime goods, and these can probably be bought at AFA since most of the major stores have booths there. We don’t have famous local cuisine to buy and take home, well at least nothing that isn’t found in Malaysia. My Russian friends love the Kaya, seafood and my HK friends love the chillis here, but seriously, as Malaysians, you have better stuff. For clothes, just buy COSPA shirts from Sharon at the KKnM.

DO NOT BUY ELECTRONICS recklessly. DO NOT GO TO SIM LIM SQUARE or LUCKY PLAZA. I need to do a full post on this in the hope it might appear high on google. Those places are literally execution grounds for tourists, and even locals who know nothing. I myself was conned heavily when I was a n00b, and now have a burning hatred to salesmen like that of Hitler for Jews. If you must, go with a seasoned local buyer, I’m sure the otakus here can assist.

The law sucks. They arrest otaku for downloading. Lol. That’s not entirely accurate, but it does reflect how tight stuff are here. The people are sheep. In all developed countries’ histories, including the UK, US, Japan, Russia etc, during the process of modern nation-building, which requires a strong centralised government, censorship was strongly done. Americans may claim they have the right of free speech but those just don’t know their own history. Singapore is just past that nation-building phase and the government has yet to release freedom to its people that much. Soon perhaps.

If you want to meet up with me, just drop an email message and we can organise something at night with my Kuromitsu. Due to space constraints, no fat otakus are allowed. Ok just kidding, but there is a person-limit of course, I don’t drive a bus. And East people need not apply.

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20 Responses to “Beware the Pitfalls of being a Tourist in Singapore”  

  1. 1 thenullset 3 comments

    I still equate Singapore with caning (wiki Michael P. Fay).

  2. 2 ghostlightning 23 comments

    I got a good deal at Lucky Plaza (last year’s iPod classic 80gb for SGD$280.00). Was I ripped off?

  3. 3 e-jump 15 comments

    Maybe i should be worry if i got lost in geylang.
    Anyway, aircake is healthy, w/ less fat LOL

  4. 4 e-jump 15 comments

    Maybe i should be worry if i got lost in geylang.
    Anyway, aircake is healthy, with less fat LOL
    I hope the place i’ll be staying dont cook Malaysian for breakfast

  5. 5 alafista 5 comments

    Darn I’m fat, then I can’t sit in your car. Maybe in the boot?

  6. 6 Silencers 61 comments

    As a Malaysian, I whole heartedly agree on the aircake. Don’t know about canned curry though, since we always eat our curry fresh. I went to Sim Lim with a friend once because he was looking for something that wasnt available here. Some kind of radio antenna.

    The only thing I really loved about my trip to SG was the reverse bungy ride. That totally blew my head off. That, and this seafood restaurant with awesome sweet and sour crab.

  7. 7 Loba 86 comments

    You northern or westerner?

  8. 8 Helix 72 comments

    “The zoo has tigers who eat Malaysians.”
    I lol’d.

  9. 9 Panther 59 comments

    I lol’d hard.

    TJ: Friday night free? Dinner at Bugis.

  10. 10 Nya-n 20 comments

    Don’t worry, at least the government hasn’t started hiring the tigers from the zoo to eat the downloaders. YET. Or, you can just ignore AFA(screw May’n, she’s not worth it).

  11. 11 Kona 2 comments

    Lol, funny post. XD
    Actually, I got to know a lot of stuff about SG from this. Fellow Malaysian here, lol.
    And, I’ll be sure not to buy those electronics from said lousy shops. ^_~

  12. 12 The Sojourner 112 comments

    Would you like to meet a FYG?

  13. 13 e-jump 15 comments

    @Nya-n “screw May’n, she’s not worth it”
    I raged a little. 9/10

    Shouldnt Sim Lim be as competative as LowYat of Malaysia?
    Can I expect SG city to have colorful night view like NY etc(neon billboards etc)?

  14. 14 tj_han 1442 comments

    Actually it has been proven by research that May’n is little more than a bimbo who cares little for her fans. Ask the one and only blogger who has interacted with her, Darkmirage, for a primary account.

    No, SG City does not have colour, it’s in B and W.

    Panther: Unlikely, too far. I’ll probably just pick Kurogane and a couple up from the west and eat in the west.

  15. 15 Sasaki 41 comments

    ^ More on the W than the B.

  16. 16 brandon 5 comments

    not coming to afa? can’t say bye to you then. Leaving on nov 25th to work in japan, perm job. Drop me a mail if you ever come to japan and maybe we can meet up sometime. Seeya around~

  17. 17 Setsukyie 34 comments

    LOL..
    You’re scaring us Malaysians from going to Singapore.
    Well, not really..

    Oh, and I agree with the ‘air cake’ part.

  18. 18 ShimatheKat 3 comments

    Welllllll. Singapore is a great place to be if you have money. No, seriously. Singapore can be seen as $!NGAPORE. If you have the money, you can blow it all off at the no.1 gimmick location - Sentosa. Locals know it really sucks uness you have like a dozen credit cards on hand. Entry may be $2, but the parking is crazily mad. Hell, Sentosa’s parking fees beats any Orchard Rd. hotel’s park fees anyday.

    Then there’s Marina Bay. New LARGE reservoir (which means it’s the first non-desert nation without a river - the Signapore River = another long resevoir when the Barrage closes up the river. And the flyer. All expensive.

    THere’s a reason why Malaysia (to Singaporeans) looks like it’s a nationwide 50% off. The quality!

  19. 19 Nia 1 comment

    make that $3

  20. 20 Lala 1 comment

    Hey… i dun agree with u.. I’m South Korean, and I like Singapore. Things may not be as cheap but is reasonable. Compare it with nations like Japan, Korea, Europe! It is not fair to juz compare with ur own country’s currency where is is like S$1 = RM 2 …. Of cuz u’ll feel the strain of buying things and living… I guess it will be better 4 u to go to Bangkok or something where u can shop freely then.

    For your info, downloading media from the internet is illegal almost everywhere, under the intellectual property law, ok? Even China is starting to practise it now, as many developed nations have already adopted the law, and those which don’t, are repelling investors….

    U should learn to see things on both side..

Do not use any < and > for your own sake. It will end the comment there and then. Also, there is an automatic IQ filter which weeds out comments made by those who accidentally got transported from the stone age.

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