Death Note American Movie: This is What It Needs

Now, with the impending adaptation of yet another Japanese product to a Hollywood film, many fangirls and boys would be quaking with anger, considering the likes of Dragonball got butchered. However, I actually fully support this Death Note adaptation because of the nature of the series.

The Japanese movies, which were produced by Warner Bros Japan, were shit. They were full of Japanese pretty boys who couldn’t act and lousy CG, though because of budget and technical constraints. Mainstream Japanese movies are just trash, along with their dramas, so we can’t expect too much of them.

Hollywood, on the other hand, has produced some masterpieces when given the right staffing and money, though they also fucked up an even greater number. The key to making Death Note (USA) awesome is right here in my mind and I will show it to the world.

1. To prevent awkward pronounciations of "OZARU" and "GOKU", change the character names. Seriously, people who can’t get over an adaptation just because of name changes are fucktards. Light is a retarded English name, but L is ok. In fact, L can stand for Leroy Jenkins. Or Luke Skywalker. Since Ryuzaki was an injoke, change it to an American joke.

2. Change the setting. We’ll need some sort of metropolis with public transport and a good university, so either New York or LA would do. Too bad NY only has NYU (lol) and Light would crush those hippie ants, so LA it is. Pack him off to Stanford, instead of Todai. It makes sense now to have the FBI after him, so you have Light’s dad being an FBI officer or something. Just some minor tweaks.

3. Keep most of the battle of wits, and don’t dumb it down for the mass audience. DN is not a very deep series, and Hollywood has had far more intelligent shows, so sometimes I’m puzzled as to why studios feel the need to dumb stuff down. Alternatively, only modify the strategies if you have better ones.

4. Don’t let any token Japanese character on the show. It’ll suck if they got some Asian American with fake tits to be a goth Misa Misa. Just change Misa to a female American fangirl instead. They have plenty of fangirls over there.

5. Do not make it stretch over more than 1 movie. End it at L’s death and loss, and keep Light as the anti-hero psychopath reining over the world. People who like good endings are retards. Bad endings are what makes shows memorable.

6. You may cast Zac Efron as one of the prisoners who get killed. Do not cast him as Light or L. He isn’t evil enough and will not be evil to protect his image as Prince Charming. We need evil dudes. Speaking of which, change the character design of L, we’re sick of it. Make him some Kim Peek-styled old autistic man! YEAH! But that’ll affect sales. Oh well, I guess L being an eccentric handsome young man’ll help bring in the dough. One thing, it is ok for actors to not look like or dress like their comic counterparts. People who complain that Goku does not look like Goku, are  retarded. Looks are superficial. The acting is far more important.

See? It ain’t that difficult. I’m sure with the above 6 points in mind, we’ll end up having a 2.5 hour long movie, with nice special effects of Ryuk.

31 Responses to “Death Note American Movie: This is What It Needs”

  • Truthfully, I think Zac would be able to play the part. At least he shold because being an actor is all about acting like something their not and if he cannot change from something like ‘preppy’ High School Musicle to a serious movie like Death Note than he shoulden’t be an actor at all.
    And whats wrong with a ‘happy’ ending? If the movie is made well and can keep the audenice intrested than I don’t see any problum with a happy ending.

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