Transformers 2 is Stuffing Your Face with 200 kg of Wagyu Beef While on a Ultra-Merry Go Round

You read that right. In other words, too much of a good thing makes you sick, especially if it makes you dizzy at the same time. Transformers 2 is probably the most disappointing movie I’ve ever seen. I went into the cinema with high expectations, ignoring the warnings of movie critics who rated it half a star out of five stars, as you know, they are snobby stuck ups who can’t see the magic in our youthful movies like Speed Racer. I left the cinema with egg on my face, as the critics were totally right.

This movie sucks, and it was so long that it ended after the last bus had left and I was forced to take a cab home, costing me a further 17 dollars. Fuck you Michael Bay!

To make things simple, I’ll list down in point form why this movie is shit.

1. Megan Fox is ugly. There, I’ve said it. I don’t understand why people think this manufactured, heavily plasticised, fake-boobed, weird-faced creature is hot. Look at her closely, she looks so fake and slutty that it’s a turn-off! There are too many shots of her in slo-mo with digital boobie bouncing. There are far better actresses (she’s not an actress anyway) and her role was a walking set of fake boobs.

2. Saturation. The same things happen over and over again that it numbs our senses. Robots punching, spinning shots, military hardware flyby shots and fucking explosions. Too many. This is the first time I’ve ever felt that there were too many special effects. Previously, I was of the opinion that CGI was like money, you can’t have too many.

3. The story is nonsensical. Note I don’t use the word plot here. Too many idiots don’t know the difference between story and plot. But Michael Bay knows neither. Transformers 1 was way better in that while it had a simple story, it was direct and was a vehicle to show off the action. It made sense. Transformers 2 is just rubbish.

4. The battles are poorly choreographed and nobody cares who gets killed because we can’t recognise who’s who! It doesn’t make sense when Prime had double headblades and only uses them when he’s dying. Is it some sort of limit break??? He wins easily with his double heat blades but prior to that, was getting pummeled when he fought 2-3 enemies with just his bare fists. Why?? Also, what’s with the rail gun? It’s stupid deus ex machina to get rid of the over-powered Devastator. Speaking of which, the annoying autobot twins should’ve been eaten up by Devastator, but instead can burrow in his face upon being ingested.

5. The whole movie is a retarded commercial for so many products, not just the cars, but worst of all, the US military. It is no secret that Bay is on very good terms with the US military, since his movies tend to portray them well and as such, is allowed very good access to the toys of the military. In return, he has to suck their cocks and give lots of airtime to the hardware. The movie was chock full of stock footage-like scenes of aircraft taking off, tanks rolling out and other shots that would be more fitting in an army recruitment video! It’s ridiculous and tiresome. You didn’t actually need the autobots as the military were owning the Decepticons easily. They really got pummeled hard, unlike in the first movie where they were invincible. I guess the military bosses didn’t like their equipment being shown to be so inept.

6. The camerawork is horrible of course. The love scenes were cheesy and to distract from this, they had the camera spin around 360 degrees so rapidly that the audience threw up their popcorn (half-digested). The mecha battle scenes were unexciting and really quite dull compared to the first movie. The problem was that they set it in a sandy, open, brightly lit environment, which means that the combat is quite slow paced.

7. The college scenes were extremely retarded. All the girls in those scenes were long-legged, boobie-showing, long-haired, slutty beauties. It’s like the Fast and the Furious movies.

8. Too many unnecessary characters. The autobot twins, the Leo guy, and even the evil Prime were completely worthless. The parents of Sam were useless too. In fact, Megan Fox herself could’ve been cut out of the movie and it would’ve been the same show.

9. The humour was just bad and totally unfunny. For some reason, the otakus I watched it with laughed at every single thing, while DM and I sat in stony silence.

10. It could’ve been Decepticons 2: Rise of the Fallen, a blockbuster horror-action flick. Because really, the Autobots barely featured and had little to no personality. Not that the Decepticons had any, but at least they had the role of scaring the humans and cutting them up.

Overall, a bloody disappointing show. I never thought I would dislike an effects-laden sci-fi action movie adapted from my childhood toys, but yeah I hate it. Fuck you Michael Bay, you suck!

35 Responses to “Transformers 2 is Stuffing Your Face with 200 kg of Wagyu Beef While on a Ultra-Merry Go Round”


  • Good lord, what a terrible review…I am going to watch it tonight, but your post makes me think twice now.

  • The best part is, I actually loved the first Transformer movie quite a bit. You should see this movie, but don’t expect to like it unless you’re a musclehead who thinks with the testicles, like some people out there. Most of the rational people really dislike it.

  • It’s a mindless robot war movie (point #2)

    (yea I just watched it yesterday too)

  • 11) robot testicles
    12) robot dogs humping legs
    13) robot semen
    14) racist robots

    (The college scenes are even dumber because it’s supposed to be an Ivy League college!)

  • Meh, agree.
    Though apart from the Rock I don’t really like any Michael Bay movie.
    His skills have convinced me that even dorm room fungus can deliver a movie if it gets access to a massive budget.

  • I grew up watching the 84-86 cartoon series and there wasn’t much there other than robot beating on robot. Which is what we get here. Yes, I hate Megan Fox…she pretends to be a geek but she’s not one…used to be a model…they’re a whole different kind of creature than an geek.

    I wanted funny since T:S was too damn grim..I wanted humans to have a fighting chance against robots…from a far enough distance.

    All Isobel Fisher served was more eye candy and potential catfight with Megan…she was a robot…not quite as satifying.

    Oh and don’t forget, near end of the movie where Shia’s injured but oh…we have to do a slow mo of the shiny lipstick on Megan…geeezzz lol

  • “Fuck you Michael Bay, you suck!”

    I could have told you this years ago.

  • Top 5 Cool Things that Anime Bloggers Must Do (June 09 Edition)
    1. Always flame the most popular thing on the market at the moment, and then you will be cool.

    Anyway i agree with you on the Megan Fox shit.

  • Remind me to treat you to a movie. You need to write more reviews like this and hopefully Koizora.

  • What plot? What character? Don’t be stupid.

    I paid $8.50 for booms and boobs and got what I wanted. I would have gladly paid $10 more to have Fox fall down twice as much.

    What’s so hard to understand? There’s a sun-eating machine so we shoot the machine. Voila! Simple cartoon fun. If you want an art film go watch at Picture House noob.

  • You are way over critical. The movie was sick.

    The plot was fine. I don’t know if you got a thing for men or something, but megan fox is pretty hot.

    Relax

  • Oh i forgot to add one more point

    Top 5 Cool Things that Anime Bloggers Must Do (June 09 Edition)
    5. Name drop. You ought to mention which great VIP you’ve met in real life or online, and who knows your awesomeness, such that people identify you as one of the upper crust bloggers.

    “The humour was just bad and totally unfunny. For some reason, the otakus I watched it with laughed at every single thing, while DM and I sat in stony silence. “

  • Mog is awesomely sharp lol.

    As for the rest who support Transformers, it’s not even a proper action movie. People like you are the reason why we did not have a properly made Transformers movie, because the studios and Bays decided to cater to lowest-common denominator retards.

    As for whether Megan Fox is hot, that is more subjective, but she caters to the lad magazines crowd, fully airbrushed, siliconised slutty look that does not appeal to actually quite a lot of men. That said, I’ll still hit it.

  • Some people say that Megan Fox is hot, but I think she’s not.

    I think I have yellow fever.
    But since I’m asian, is there another term for that?

  • Top 5 Cool Things that Anime Bloggers Must Do (June 09 Edition)
    1. Always flame the most popular thing on the market at the moment, and then you will be cool.

    Anyway i agree with you on the Megan Fox shit.
    ——————————————————————————-

    Not really the case here…(luckily for the judgment of mankind) the consensus is that it really does suck beyond belief.

  • while i agree with the fact that sure, not the best movie in the world whole deal, let me ask one serious question?

    What did you expect?

    Michael Bay makes action flicks with lots of guns, lots of explosions, and often nonsensical barely minimal storylines. It wasn’t meant to be a piece of art with some deep seated character development, mind boggling plotline, and insanely good direction. It was going to be cheesy comedy, exaggerations on nearly everything (women, college, military) and lots and lots and lots of explosions and robots beating the crap out of each other.

    Sure the first one had more story to it, but the only reason for that is so people liked it enough to come back for more, and the majority of them came back not for some great story behind the Autobots and Deceptecons but for giant robots wrecking as much fucking mayhem as god humanly possible and frankly Michael Bay delivered on that solidly, and while you may think these people think with their testicles…frankly its entertainment, its not Benjamin Button, its not Dark Knight, its not Casablanca, and its not Godfather, people wanted BOOM BOOM BANG BANG, they got a lot of booms and bangs. If you didnt want the boom and the bang, dont watch michael bay

  • Ok first off, Sipher, you have a fucking misunderstanding. WE DONT WANT TO WATCH MBAY. We wanted to watch Transformers.

    Stop giving excuses to a terrible director whose wallet has been pumped fat by the likes of you sheep who can’t discern a good movie from a bad one. Sure, it’s a popcorn movie but that doesn’t excuse its shittiness. There have been great popcorn movies, from Speed Racer to Starship Troopers. It’s dumbasses like you who keep forgiving crap directors from ruining our movies. Don’t you realise that if Mbay hadn’t touched it, maybe some better director would’ve made a proper action-packed Transformers which was actually watchable?

  • The Rock was awesome and Con Air was ironically awesome.

  • JP, yeah the Rock is the only movie of his which was good. CONAIR is ok cos I like John Cusack.

  • So in other words, Transformers 2 is pretty like Transformers 1.

    Anyway, if you want to watch the best Transformers flick, watch the Orson Welles version. It was his last and greatest work. Much better than Citizen Kane.

  • Wait… wait… wait…

    TJ, did you just call Speed Racer a GOOD movie? Starship Troopers? Wow, I’m going to guess that you were crying at the end of Herbie: Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan’s more than Oscar worthy performance! Or perhaps you were clapping at the end of the Affleck-J.Lo masterpiece Gigli. Take me to the video store the next time you rent, I really am curious as to the erudite movie resume of yours.

    Come on, let’s not be dumb here. Movies these days are like a good night in bed: quick, orgasmic and explosive. People want their sex, drugs, and violence to keep themselves away from the trials and tribulations of reality. Furthermore, to not classify Transformers as an action movie is absolutely bollocks. What is it? A romance? A drama? Bring out the tissues, because we’re gonna have a robot soap opera! Hope their engines don’t rust!

    Finally, don’t make a fool of yourself. Watch Michael Bay, but not the movie? Let’s see, the last time I checked, the director was the movie. After all he’s only the guy who directs what happens……

  • The general way movies are done is that they are usually done in the style of the director

    Live with it, so walking into a Michael Bay and expecting someone like Christopher Nolan is..well…I don’t know what you’re thinking. It’s like walking into 300 and expecting Gladiator, you’re going to be disappointed. If you wanted a Transformers movie and hated Michael Bay, then you should have known what you’re getting yourself into

  • Word is that if you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, the movie to see is “The Hurt Locker“.

  • I don’t know about you Albert, but Speed Racer was a great popcorn movie, in fact, my most respected reviewer, who is also my English Literature professor, gave it the thumbs up as well. Considering you liked Transformers, I don’t think I can respect your opinion at all. And Starship Troopers was a great action popcorn movie, while the book was a great read.

    Alright, let me ask you this: Would you have preferred Mbay to some other director for Transformers? If you would and are glad that it’s him, that’s fine, you can return to your cave. People are failing to see the fact that you HAVE a choice, and you don’t have to follow Hollywood’s whims. I’m not sure where you read that I didn’t think TF2 was an action movie, I just thought it was a shit one.

    Sipher, that is somewhat true but he didn’t suck this hard before. He had a few good shows, as JP pointed out and even Transformers 1 was relatively good, I quite liked it. The sequel however was NOT the same, and a lot worse.

    To me, this is a very simple issue – if you liked Transformers 2, you are most likely one of the following : retard, jock, uneducated, farmerboy, hillybilly, Chav, or just plain stupid. Take your pick.

  • Sorry Steven, I forgot to respond to you. That looks real good a movie, thanks for the recommendation!

    Also, my previous comment is my 1337th comment.

  • you know, your arguments would be so much more persuasive if you can shy away from the name calling, which tends to make you lose any credibility you do have

    and ftr, im not any of the mentioned above, i simply appreciate transformers for what it is, and not what its supposed to be

  • cyanthrisvain

    hmm…nice review…for the folks who share the same mind with you…gotta say sorry tho…i’m one of the supporters of this movie, fast-paced actions…gotta love it…i agree on some points, such as this movie is actually the commercials for US products and military powers…but if you can’t recognize who’s who in the battle scene, don’t blame the director (or the animator, or the movie), it’s your bad…said this because i can recognize who’s punching who…anyway, personally i give 9.5/10…

    oh…and yeah…since i’m one of the people who are the reason why you guys did not have a properly made Transformers movie, because the studios and Bays decided to cater to lowest-common denominator retards…i guess…i’m sorry…for you…

  • Love it or hate it, i share similiar feelings with you. with just minor difference:

    i love it for being a good movie by itself (of course, you still made valid points and i cant say i disagree :P ), and hate it because it aint transformers.

    i didnt had much expectations because:
    - it isnt transformers
    - michael bay

    so, i guess i got more than what i expected? LOL
    that, and i didnt turn my brain on while watching this movie. if i did, i guess id raged as much as you do like now.

  • yo tj u sukk shiiiit
    tf 1&2 r bloody awesome but u no wat aint u u cant even write a bloody review properly
    give up coz u fail
    megan fox izz hot, big boobs hell yea were actually guys we like that kinda thing
    and i am not any of the above mentioned
    and ahhhh last time i checked uts HILLBILLY not hillybilly
    nd dont even get me started on your language its sooo not necesary
    over all a shit review

  • I watched the Transformers cartoon version during my childhood days. It is nice to know that good computer graphics brought the Transformers back again. I wish to see more of the Dinobots in action perhaps on another sequel.

  • yasuragi your points and comments completely fall to the ground with that hillbilly language of yours. It’s really hard to believe you aren’t any of the stereotypes TJ mentioned.

    Michael Bay is awful and I laughed horribly at some of the serious parts of the movie. The love scenes were horrible and unintentionally funny like most of the action scenes.
    There was too much pew pew and unnecessary characters.. There was also too much slow mo and focus on Megan Fox – she’s hot, to some extent, and we know it. No reason to give her that much screen time.

    Many scenes didn’t even make sense.. like the fight where Optimus takes out his swords and carves everything up and then stops just to look for Sam and get owned.

    It’s a decent popcorn flick tbh but it’s unintentionally funny at times, which is probably why I liked it – doesn’t necessarily mean that Michael Bay did a great job. Any other director would probably have been better..

  • Micheal Bay= Hack

    I am G-Man!!!

  • I like Megan Fox, I think she is super sexy!

  • Don’t herp before you derp!

Leave a Reply