You read that right. In other words, too much of a good thing makes you sick, especially if it makes you dizzy at the same time. Transformers 2 is probably the most disappointing movie I’ve ever seen. I went into the cinema with high expectations, ignoring the warnings of movie critics who rated it half a star out of five stars, as you know, they are snobby stuck ups who can’t see the magic in our youthful movies like Speed Racer. I left the cinema with egg on my face, as the critics were totally right.
This movie sucks, and it was so long that it ended after the last bus had left and I was forced to take a cab home, costing me a further 17 dollars. Fuck you Michael Bay!
To make things simple, I’ll list down in point form why this movie is shit.
1. Megan Fox is ugly. There, I’ve said it. I don’t understand why people think this manufactured, heavily plasticised, fake-boobed, weird-faced creature is hot. Look at her closely, she looks so fake and slutty that it’s a turn-off! There are too many shots of her in slo-mo with digital boobie bouncing. There are far better actresses (she’s not an actress anyway) and her role was a walking set of fake boobs.
2. Saturation. The same things happen over and over again that it numbs our senses. Robots punching, spinning shots, military hardware flyby shots and fucking explosions. Too many. This is the first time I’ve ever felt that there were too many special effects. Previously, I was of the opinion that CGI was like money, you can’t have too many.
3. The story is nonsensical. Note I don’t use the word plot here. Too many idiots don’t know the difference between story and plot. But Michael Bay knows neither. Transformers 1 was way better in that while it had a simple story, it was direct and was a vehicle to show off the action. It made sense. Transformers 2 is just rubbish.
4. The battles are poorly choreographed and nobody cares who gets killed because we can’t recognise who’s who! It doesn’t make sense when Prime had double headblades and only uses them when he’s dying. Is it some sort of limit break??? He wins easily with his double heat blades but prior to that, was getting pummeled when he fought 2-3 enemies with just his bare fists. Why?? Also, what’s with the rail gun? It’s stupid deus ex machina to get rid of the over-powered Devastator. Speaking of which, the annoying autobot twins should’ve been eaten up by Devastator, but instead can burrow in his face upon being ingested.
5. The whole movie is a retarded commercial for so many products, not just the cars, but worst of all, the US military. It is no secret that Bay is on very good terms with the US military, since his movies tend to portray them well and as such, is allowed very good access to the toys of the military. In return, he has to suck their cocks and give lots of airtime to the hardware. The movie was chock full of stock footage-like scenes of aircraft taking off, tanks rolling out and other shots that would be more fitting in an army recruitment video! It’s ridiculous and tiresome. You didn’t actually need the autobots as the military were owning the Decepticons easily. They really got pummeled hard, unlike in the first movie where they were invincible. I guess the military bosses didn’t like their equipment being shown to be so inept.
6. The camerawork is horrible of course. The love scenes were cheesy and to distract from this, they had the camera spin around 360 degrees so rapidly that the audience threw up their popcorn (half-digested). The mecha battle scenes were unexciting and really quite dull compared to the first movie. The problem was that they set it in a sandy, open, brightly lit environment, which means that the combat is quite slow paced.
7. The college scenes were extremely retarded. All the girls in those scenes were long-legged, boobie-showing, long-haired, slutty beauties. It’s like the Fast and the Furious movies.
8. Too many unnecessary characters. The autobot twins, the Leo guy, and even the evil Prime were completely worthless. The parents of Sam were useless too. In fact, Megan Fox herself could’ve been cut out of the movie and it would’ve been the same show.
9. The humour was just bad and totally unfunny. For some reason, the otakus I watched it with laughed at every single thing, while DM and I sat in stony silence.
10. It could’ve been Decepticons 2: Rise of the Fallen, a blockbuster horror-action flick. Because really, the Autobots barely featured and had little to no personality. Not that the Decepticons had any, but at least they had the role of scaring the humans and cutting them up.
Overall, a bloody disappointing show. I never thought I would dislike an effects-laden sci-fi action movie adapted from my childhood toys, but yeah I hate it. Fuck you Michael Bay, you suck!
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