During a conversation with a love-sick friend in which I offered "advice" (lol.. advice) on how to let the girl know he wants her, the idea for this post was born.

You know how anime always has these cliches, like loveletters placed in some shoerack/deskdrawer, bentos, Valentine Chocolates etc? Now, I’m not sure if these are the usual methods by which Japanese people confess but they sure are the usual way anime characters do. And how many of these succeed? I reckon the percentage would be like.. 14%.

They don’t realise the reason for their failure is because of the utterly boring tactics applied. Be creative and daring, I say.

Check out this list I made and use these unconventional attack moves for what surely would be unexpected results. These are from the guy’s POV of course, so if you’re a girl, just change roles. Danbooru’s downage is making it a photodrought for many anime blogs. So those do bother to keep an archive are winners.

At the swimming pool together, casually remark, "I feel great being bathed in your juices." This will let her know that you enjoy her company and of course, like her. "Juices" is a powerful word. 

"Ruri, I enjoy being soaked in your juices, however dilute they are."

After sports or physical education class, casually pick up her used gym clothes and sniff it hard in front of her. Inhale with all your might and say, "Mmmm the scent of a woman in heat." This informs the female that you have the intention of mating and that the season is here. "Kou no tsuki"as they say on Chimera. Note that the phrase "in heat" is the emphasis here, so you can use this move anywhere. For example, walk into the same room as her and say, "I smell a woman in heat!". It works on 99% of the world’s living organisms.

When your class teacher (assuming you and the loved one are in the same class) ask for your career aspirations, shout, "MY GOAL IS TO MAKE MANY MANY BABIES WITH (insert name of girl)!!" Make sure everyone hears it clearly and then look at the girl with widened eyes and breathe very heavily. Add some snorting noises for better effect. She’ll realise how daring, bold and far-sighted you are, with great plans for the future.

Use the power of art to spread the message. From your local art supplies store, purchase spray paint. Lots of it. Then using information about her favourite haunts, frequently taken routes and home address, paint pretty prettty (optional though) pictures of you and her in suggestive positions. This is much clearer and conveys more emotion than a mere bento or loveletter. After all, a picture’s worth a thousand words. You could caption the paintings too, like "You and I, forever, together!!!111oneoneone". Ah, romantic.

When queuing up for food at the cafeteria during lunch, be sure to stand right behind the girl. When it’s your turn and she’s about to leave the counter, announce your choice of food loudly. "I want (insert name of girl). I love her so much." So so simple, you don’t even have to make your own bento. The best part about this method is, she can’t really run away fast because she’s carrying a tray of food while you’re still empty handed (for now).

Remember how some love-sick guys try to be unique and hire thugs to harrass the girl so they can be a knight in shining armour? Cliche. I suggest the Stockholm syndrome instead. You kidnap the girl personally and lock yourselves together in a small room. Proceed to pour out tragic stories of your past. (this sounds quite creepy even by the standards of this post).

On the way home is a golden opportunity.

Get a load of super glue, pour it all over your right hand and with lightning quick movements, grab her left hand. Shake a bit of the superglue instant hardener (available at all hardwarestores) on and voila! You guys are together forever. This works on the principle of arranged marriages. Sometimes, there isn’t a choice so you live with what you have and in the process, discover great points about each other.


Now for an advanced technique. The male tsundere. Be mean, very mean, to the target. Accuse her of being a pervert and beat the shit out of her. Gather a bunch of docile guys and pay them to act as though they like the target as well.  Soon, the target will be only attracted to you due to the law of tsunderenism.

Get her a credit card and say, "The credit limit of this card is less than the love I have for you." Remember to set a decent amount though. Preferably unlimited. The girl will now realise now you are willing to make great sacrifices for her and you respect her freedom as well.

This method results in instant success. It’s proven!

Sculpt a figurine of the girl and give it as a gift. Perfect for letting her know you take notice of her appearance and are constantly observing her in an artistic sense. Be sure to add in lots of love during the moulding process. After all, Azuma Kazuma’s feelings can be transmitted through his bread, so why can’t yours?

So that’s 10 creative and totally passionate ways to go about igniting the romance of the century. Please do try it and email me the results so I can finetune this list. Also, I take no responsibility for any arrests, Personal Protection Orders, expulsions, suspensions or brutal beatings incurred from the use of the above tactics.

Now I feel great because I have helped love-sick men in their path to success.

19 Responses to “Cliche Cliche? 10 Non-cliche Ways to Confess your Undying Love!”  

  1. 1 Skh

    This post wins. Nothing more to say.

  2. 2 Gary Ee

    Some other ways to prove your eternal devotion to your dream girl:

    Start a new religion worshipping her as Supreme Mother Goddess of the Cosmos. Declare anyone who will not acknowledge her divinity as an infidel and smite him with your righteous fury.

    Conquer the world so that she can be Queen of all she surveys and rebuild civilization in her image. Next stop the entire Milky Way galaxy.

    Begin an underground brutal fighting tournament entirely for her entertainment. Nothing says “I love you” than an utter disregard for the life and safety of other sentients if it will give her a moment of happiness.

    Become immortal. Nothing works quite as well as persistance. Save some of what you found and give it to her after killing off all other immortals ensuring you’ll be the only two ageless humans on Earth. Then start Third Impact so that she can be the new Eve of the human race.

    Build a giant magnetic lasso and give her the moon. Literally.

    Remember, disregard for your own health, sanity and the lives of any other creature is a sign of your devotion to your loved one. If you still hesitate to completely annihilate her enemies with extreme prejudice and listen to the lamentations of their loved ones then you must work on your sincerity. This is the most important trait when trying to woo a girl.

  3. 3 Alex

    What will you do after you’ve claimed the object of your affections? I think that the best route is to lose her due to your own stupidity, then mess up any chances of a reunion and write books upon books about your loss. It worked for Kierkegaard!
    The only problem with the posthumous fame that this will gain you is that it doesn’t happen during your lifetime, plus you die desperately unhappy.

  4. 4 Matte

    Great post, now all my love troubles will be solved forever. Thank you! ^^

  5. 5 Tsubaki

    Hi, i tried a couple of your advice, and thanks to that i’m a proud owner of 4 girlfriends.
    Please keep the good job up!

    Lmao! I’m sure doing any of those in Singapore will bag you a 3days2night hotel suite at Tanglin Police Post.

  6. 6 kokanaden

    Thank you very much for making our conversation the no 1 unorthodox guide to gaining infamy in NUS next year.

    See you there with the chicks… and the colourful walls that will appear soon after our arrival, erm your arrival.


  7. 7 tj_han

    Gary I’m very afraid of you. You do not realise that if you kill off all other humans, you’ll have no one to show off your new girlfriend! Haha.

    Alex, the story ends after you become a couple. That’s at episode 26. There’s nothing beyond the moment of couple hood. But interestingly, in real life, that’s where the tough part kicks in. Even Ukiya Shun, after getting together with Ruriko, couldn’t make it last.

    Tsubaki, good luck with your new harem. Inform us if they are “in heat” so we can lend a hand.

    Kokanaden, you can be the docile one while I use tsundere.

  8. 8 kokanaden

    男人不坏,小姐不爱. Oh well, when you get all the hot babes just remember to give me one. You can have the rest.

  9. 9 Randall Fitzgerald

    I’m going to try all of them today!

  10. 10 T_T|||

    No Randall. Don’t even think of it.

  11. 11 DrmChsr0

    tj_han, for helping the human race accelerate further to it’s extinction, I award thee the Medal of Genocide.


    Also, been ovedosing on Akane Maniax?

  12. 12 Os

    This post took me 45 minutes to read. I got lost at the 4 minute mark looking at Rider.

  13. 13 Kurogane

    I lol’ed.

    Thre.. err. Post wins. Write moar.

  14. 14 Shamus

    This post made me laugh until I cried. So funny.

  15. 15 David V.S.

    In my graduate school days, a hobby jointly shared with a funny friend was to collect the best pick-up lines. Not that she or I would ever use them, but they were fun to collect. To qualify, a pick-up line had to make both of us laugh aloud the first time we heard or read it.

    Our two favorites (for the second, keep in mind we were math students):

    - Care to do breakfast tomorrow? Should I phone you or nudge?

    - If I asked you to come home with me, would the answer be the same as to this question?

  16. 16 Sanh

    There’s also one last resort to getting chicks, its the classic stalk the person until she is scared that you will kill her and she will like you even if she doesn’t want to. ;]

  17. 17 Sanh

    Always worked for me =]

  18. 18 Randall Fitzgerald

    I was watching Doctor Phil tonight, and apparently theb est way to get chicks is to find a super religious one and talk her into sex, and then she will freak out and think she has to marry and love you.

  19. 19 yangyang

    This is crap. Utter crap.

    But i like it! Thumbs up for creativity man!

    Note: People looking for love should never follow the stated advice though…

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