Lecture: How to Sound Intelligent in 10(TEN) Minutes!

If you are offended by this, do check yourself into a psychiatric ward for some emergency treatment. You need it. Either that, or a total lack of humour or self-consciousness. While reading the article, see if you can spot any intentional misuses of words, sneaky references and blatant daggers. Start of article:


YukataYuki.

Now any anime (or other forms  of media) viewer decent enough to know his standing in the anime fandom will carry a few latent desires of wanting to boost his social status. I kindly compiled a few easy tips so you can be seen as a cultivated and sagacious haute monde of animeviewership. See I just did a trick to make you think I am smarter than I actually am.

Starting off with an example shows the effectiveness of a tactic. Anyway, there are way too many to cover in one post, so I’ll just show some and leave others for next time.

To prove you have a pedigree, you must make a website or a blog. The name is of no concern, because if it sounds stupid, people will assume that you are hiding your true intel by going down to the common person’s level. So they will think you are smart. If the name consists of multi-syllabic rarely-used words like "Recondite Garrulous Confabulation", a large portion of viewers will also think you are smart because they have to check the dictionary. Just hide the thesaurus in a secure place. Beyond the blog title, you need a blog tagline. Make sure it’s something either poetic or incomprehensible or just… thesaurus-filtered.

Remember, "insights", not "views", "disquisitions", not "articles", "rapture", not "joy". Perhaps "Insights and Disquisitions of Waga Anime Rapture" would be a good one. Or hell, invent your own word! Like Riuva.

If you do not have a blog, you do not have an identity. Nobody will think you are smart since there is no evidence of your intelligence. So get a blog. Otherwise, if you want to look smart without taking the effort to maintain a site, go comment whore and laugh at people. Don’t go "EWWW BOKURA IS GAY YOU FAGG!!!111" but rather, "You obviously fail to see the point of the episode. This was a parallel to the scene in Catcher of the Rye by J D Salinger, where Holden realises he is not alone.  Dismissing it as mere whining shows you have much to learn in the ways of anime assay." Now people will start doubting the credibility of the host blogger and you have scored intelligence image points. This nifty trick is not unlike the lions of the African Savannahs stealing the kills of hyenas and jackals. Contrary to popular belief, hyenas and jackals do a lot of hunting but a large portion is stolen.

The last line was an example of the skilful use of "stream of consciousness". By adding random thoughts and information about totally unrelated things and relating it to the issue of discussion, you can show how broad your knowledgebase is. Readers will think you are smart since you bring inter-disciplinary skills to the anime fandom.

A higher level technique similar to the above, is the paper power. Not Yomiko Readman’s The Paper, but using academia to scare the little pre-college kids. Applying what you learnt in school onto anime not only makes you an academic, but readers will also assume you are the elite of your school, never mind that in reality, you watch too much anime and fail. Like "I felt Anita King was not properly able to manipulate her paper in episode 21 because the beta-1,4-glycosidic bonds were disrupted by the flow of entropy, resulting in a Henrik Larsson effect. My chemistry and biology professors confided in me that it was possible to control paper like Yomiko because the golgi apparatus of each individual cell assimilates with the mitochondria, to produce what we commonly call reinforced trans-cellulose." Maybe not to this extent lol. But non-science students would go crazy and shower you with respect. If you’re an arts student, that’s even better since your equipment of bigwords is far more extensive and applicable.

As an arts student specialising in normally worthless degrees, you still can wield tremendous power. With sentences like, "Ghost in the Shell was Cyberpunk, with elements of film noir and hard-boiled detective novels of the 1930s. With the branching off of the genre into diverging paths like biopunk, steampunk and physicspunk, it’s a breath of fresh air to see an orthodox back-to-the-roots work like this. My art professor and I were debating over the extent to which GitS was influenced by Neuronmancer, possibly the greatest scifi cyberpunk novel ever. " I don’t really get what I said, but no one has to. We just have to know that this sentence makes us smart. But watch out for the rise of Wikipedia – it may be your best friend or your worst enemy.

How so? Wikipedia, as the epitome of post-modernism, shares previously niche knowledge so freely that anyone can just go there and search for obscure words. This renders your science/arts/maths degree and knowledge less valuable and unique. On the other hand, it also means that everyone can now be smart as long as they have 15 minutes and internet access. This article was constructed with the kind aid of that very site.

You can base your whole site off Wiki. But don’t ever reveal your source was that, for it projects the image you are a wikiwhore. A skilled master of Wikiwhoring is the author of this "I discovered the paintings of Gustave Moreau, and despite not knowing much about art except a dabble here and there, he’s one of my personal favorites." and "I call these people elitists. I think that these people are a bunch of curmudgeons. As Tolstoy wrote, the existence of art depends on the emotions and feelings that are conveyed; emotions and feelings are not staid and constant like most facts, however." He is the master. And he was talking about anime being an art. Brilliant!

Use assertive tone in your writing. Do not use soft structure like "I feel", "Perhaps", "One may think" or "could". Just smash their balls! Or rather, use strict, top-down, absolute sentences, especially in response to comments. Keep the sentences concise for replies, to project the impression that you are a busy man and think it’s beneath you to use too many words and time to respond to this bumbling ignorant commentor. Let’s mockup a conversation now.

Gau Ban: I feel you could be mistaken when you said apples weren’t fruits. I think they are fruits.

Scarface: They are vegetables.

Gau Ban: But they have seeds, develop from flowers. See this website.

Scarface: Apples are vegetables.

Gau Ban: Ok Scarface Vy Low! You may be the strongest Sevaar in Kuruda history but you sure don’t know anything about apples!"

Scarface: With increasing digitisation, apples are vegetables.

Gau Ban: How will digitisation make apples vegetables? You are not making sense and you are just pretending!!!

Scarface: Haven’t you heard of cabbage and leek? Those are digital apples.

Gau Ban: Oh fuck I lost because I spent so much time and effort researching on apples while Scarface just copied and pasted yet he sounded more confident so people believe him. *howls in black frustration*

Sometimes, the lack of facial emotion over the net can be used to your advantage. Manipulating the commenter’s mental impression of you can be done through drawing faces, aka emoticons. Many ignorant fools of the middle level scorn emoticons for they think it lowers them to the level of the rambling 12 year-old but what they fail to realise is that a properly placed emoticon is a trampoline of social status. Let’s mockup again.

Gau Ban: I feel you could be mistaken when you said apples weren’t fruits. I think they are fruits.

Scarface: They are vegetables. <_<

Gau Ban: But they have seeds, develop from flowers. See this website.

Scarface: Apples are vegetables. >_>

Gau Ban: Ok Scarface Vy Low! You may be the strongest Sevaar in Kuruda history but you sure don’t know anything about apples!"

Scarface: With increasing digitisation, apples are vegetables. >_<

Gau Ban: How will digitisation make apples vegetables? You are not making sense and you are just pretending!!!

Scarface: Haven’t you heard of cabbage and leek? Those are digital apples. -_-

Gau Ban: Oh fuck I lost because I now have the feeling Scarface is laughing at me and cannot be bothered to elaborate on his ideas since he thinks I cannot comprehend them! He looks down on me! SOBZ. *howls in black frustration*

And with that, I conclude today’s "How to be Sound Smart in Ten Minutes" lecture. Now for homework. In the comments section, please churn out some intelligent text.


Mamoru wishes you luck!

38 Responses to “Lecture: How to Sound Intelligent in 10(TEN) Minutes!”


  • Noen Genesis Evengaloin is teh suck!!!11!!

  • Oh tj, you’re SUCH a curmudgeon! *scoffs* :lol:

  • Hinano scores an 8 out of 10 while Den Beste utilises reverse psychology and totals 9. I also notice Hinao’s choice use of emoticons. Well done class!

  • Hinano is a vegetable and therefore can not have a score. o_o

  • Brilliant entry, this is mopey, paint-by-numbers piece of writing. One of the year’s most woefully underwritten blog entry following a terrific true story (you what what /gg) and dulls it down into morose, formulaic slop.

    There. I actually sounded chim for once. Lol.

    This entry got me laughing for some strange reason. Damn, I’m starting to find intelligent jokes funny, I’m becoming a geek now.

  • A present-day Jane Austin that would make her roll in her graves.

  • In life you tend to meet some really smart people. Often tricks that work on the masses fail on them simply because they themselves know every trick in the book. So here’s some advice from someone doing his PhD on how to smoke your way through with people who are probably smarter than you are and better read to boot:

    1) Be eloquent not bombastic. Too many long words just make normal people go “huh”. Very smart people however are unlikely to be impressed. They have that sort of vocabulary but do not use it since they know that it is difficult to get your point across when it is obscured by too many synonyms.

    “Language is a rapier not a bludgeon, I speak as I need to speak to make myself understood. Otherwise all others would hear is the ranting of a fool who speaks to himself.”

    VS

    “It is a burden for us to bear. The articulate often must stoop to the pedestrian vernacular in order to maintain a colloquial air. Indeed, with the plebeians one must often employ the vulgar argot simply to foster the minimum degree of comprehension to hold a decent conversation.”

    2) When in doubt call them up on knowledge that may not actually exist. Not fake stuff since its easy to check anything on the Net nowadays. Instead go for stuff that no one has actually tried or is very obscure.

    “Blah, blah, blah, thus increasing diversity of the Hepatitis B Virus is often connected with seroconversion and this leads to the rejection of the virus by the body…. ”

    “And how does this affect people who have compromised immune systems or those not fully developed such as infants who were infected in the womb?”

    “Uhhh…..”

    3) Try to be witty if you can. Humor does not make you a smart person but good wit is always appreciated as the sign of a quick mind. Read Oscar Wilde to get your feet wet and then forge your own path Padawan.

    An example from the Master:

    The Duchess presented Oscar Wilde with a pile of steaming horse dung knowing full well he could not refuse a gift from someone of her station. The good Mr Wilde took off his hat and bowed deeply. “My greatest thanks milady. Now every time I gaze upon this, I shall think of you.”

    4) Quote-drop every now and then, preferably in foreign languages. Do not over do this however or else people will get the impression that you have nothing original in your head. Do no always reveal whom you are quoting but let them think its from you if you can get away with it or do not need some heavy weight’s prestige to bolster your position.

    “As Charles Darwin once said, ‘we bear the indelible stamp of our humble origins’ and this discovery of a new primate sheds even more light into the evolution of Man and our ancestors.”

    “My results may invalidate the central dogma of genetics. Some will brand me a heretic but I say ‘treat not the moderns with contempt and the ancients with idoltry. Judge each of them on their own merits’.”

  • Gary had some very interesting points! The Oscar Wilde one was particularly good. Gary used the "I have paper" tactic to great effect! I totally neglected to mention quoting, I forgot damn. For quoting, just watch Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence. Gary cleverly applied a lot of tricks to his comment. Besides the above mentioned "paper power", he also did the blogjacking (now he makes me stupid LOLOL), shows off the big words but in a win-win manner, complementing it with simple and sharp language. Obviously this is a demonstration of both his strong writing and extensive vocabulary, covering his bases and any vulnerable points with a two-way scenario. Blogjacker!

    Once again, in case anyone reading missed out on the very first para or is just too dull to understand, this post is totally in jest and anyone who actually tries any of the tips MUST DIE NOW.

  • There is one pivotal kibitz to sounding intelligent that, in your unblemished percipience, you declined to allude towards, quite contrary to the preternatural contrivance of the allusion to Baroja’s seminal “Caeser of Nothing” that cinders of your post are inclined torwards. In order to demonstrate one’s intellectual superiority to the proletariat hordes who eulogize your masterful grasp of ranseur-like wit, one must apply the sacremental device in the art of such displays, known to mere plebeians as the “semi-colon.” It is a lucidly defined factuality that, whether one chooses to use the sanctified tool correctly or not, it exsiccates the inferior minds of those hapless petitioners to your favour.

  • LOL@hopeless

    I seriously laughed out out at your comment. And your spelling error “torwards”. That is truly funny. But one thing, you are very environmentally-conscious are you? Hopeless is a advocate of the “reduce” aspect of the 3Rs, by using a semi-colon instead of a full one. Now he can save 50% of his resources!

  • You people even bother replying to this dumb post. Dumbasses.

  • Unfortunately Han while you might write these tips in jest, I’ve seen people (LOTS of people ~_~) try to use these very same tactics. It is a test of character not to go homicidal on them sometimes. For all of you about to enter university or plan to someday, you have been warned! :P

    Still there are rewards for toughing it out. When some clueless Freshman tries to impress the class with a string of technobabble and jargon, simply give him a deadpan stare and say “and…….?” ^_~

  • My brain hurted from reading all that.

    *plans to get his own blog and start global domination*

  • And not only are foreign lanugages good, but French is always the best one to toss in when your essay on la fin des grands recits needs a little shall we say, je ne sais quoi.

  • However, one should, of course, consider that, perhaps, all things considered, anime is, essentially, at its root, without a doubt, or perhaps not, I might say, actually, you know… well, quite possibly, or more likely, rather, cartoons. Can’t put lipstick on a horse, you know…

    … ’twas Proust, I think.

  • Oh come on. Trying to sound intelligent? What are we, pre dot bomb? I’ve got better things to do. And Anime? C’mon, you know indie comix and adult swim are where its at. Don’t you even bother to read? Sheesh. Not that I bothered to read past the third comment or anything, but my insights into this discussion are. required. reading. Don’t you see my clever punctuation and all-too-hip cynical scorn? This is how one wins friends on the intarwubbs.

    Trying to sound intelligent is a noble goal for a class C loser. Eventually, the big boys (which I don’t claim to be (even though I think I am)) will come and destroy you. Best to adopt a pose of weathered cynicism. Cynicism is immune to both logic and reason. It is the very aether on which the net runs.

    ahem. :P

  • I found forvrin’s response to be superfluous, redundant, and excessive.

    For myself, I would simply note that only a pseudo-intellectual would concern himself with sounding smart; a true intellectual need not be concerned with such trifles, already being smart.

    Therefore, I conclude that Slomer and Skane have beaten us all with a simple and clear communication of their messages.

  • “EWWW BOKURA IS GAY YOU FAGG!!!111″

    NO. YOU’RE A FAGG, FAGG. This is about the only line I caught this entire post.

  • Ah yes. Memorizing all those words from my GRE vocab book wasn’t a waste of time after all.

  • i love apples! ^-^

  • I’m too stupid to understand all that.

    GODDAMIT YOU ELITIST PEOPLE!!!

  • I do not know whether to laugh at this or to show it pity, so I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

    I dunno, it just felt appropriate.

  • “It is a burden for us to bear. The articulate often must stoop to the pedestrian vernacular in order to maintain a colloquial air. Indeed, with the plebeians one must often employ the vulgar argot simply to foster the minimum degree of comprehension to hold a decent conversation.”

    But I understood the entire gyst of that without knowing what three of the words meant. o_o

  • Ooh, I bet one of them was “argot”.

    What the hell is “argot”…?

    Bit of a contrast to one of the above laws: Rather than being authoritative, I find it sometimes more useful to adopt an overly humble tone. It contrasts with the bigwords and wikiwhoring (which you’re completely right about, and are on page one of the professional pseudo-intellectual’s handbook), and makes you sound like a reasonable moderate. This tone is particularly good for swaying -actual- reasonable moderates, who by nature are instantly turned off by anything resembling a strong opinion. Their support is invaluable as a foundation for your position, as the uninformed and the easilly led will rally behind their soothing voices; meanwhile you yourself are left virtually unopposed as your statements become increasingly bombastic and ridiculous.

  • People who sound intelligent are really useful. The feeling of being ignorant is good motivation to go and look up the real facts.

    Your essays are entertaining, as always. :)

  • THE DELIGHT OF THE DIALECTIC GENERATED BY THE COMMENTARY EXCEEDS THE ILLUSION OF TRUTH THAT ARISES FROM ANY ATTEMPT TO RESPOND TO IT. I QUOTE NIETZSCHE!!!!!!

    translation: by answering to the blog in the comments in the appointed way, only more smoke will be thrown around. Anyone who makimakis too much will in turn be makimakied.

  • Why learn to sound intelligent if you aren’t? Realize the fact, that trying to sound “Intelligent” is seen more often as an attempt to make those around you look stupid.

  • I fail to grasp the means by which some of these idiots didn’t understand this piece of writing as although only at the meager age of thirteen I had no difficulty in understanding the content.I have noticed that although my peers I are young many of our ideas however intelligent or inspiring are ignored due to our tender years. Learning to sound intelligent would greatly help in our endevours to be noticed and respected by the “responsible” adults many of whom lack the intelligence themselves to even understand a word I have said here.

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  • my kids just love to jump around on trampolines and they are sort of addicted to it.”-:

  • my kids just love to jump all day lon on trampolines, they are addicted to it`:-

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