What if You’re an Otaku Celebrating Lunar New Year?

We all know creatures worldwide who follow the Lunar Calendar are busy indulging in their annual festivities, including the likes of binge-eating, gambling, visiting house etc. But a rarer subspecies of homo sapien - the Nerd (Homo Otakus) handles this season slightly differently.

There are several traditional activities everyone is expected to do during this 15 day period.

No washing of hair, lest you wash away the good luck. The pronounciation of "hair" in Mandarin is the same as "GET FUCKING RICH", so when people (they’ll be gone soon though) believe that washing your hair is the same as taking all your wealth and tossing it down the drain.

BUT! For the Otaku, it’s just another day. They don’t bathe at all anyway.

No sweeping of the floor, lest our good luck is all swept away. Brooms are also considered an inauspicious object.

BUT! For the Otaku, it’s just another day. They don’t clean their rooms anyway.

Going house-visiting is considered mandatory, especially if you’re a junior. You’re supposed to visit your seniors and spam them with sincere well wishes. This is also a good time to meet up with long lost relatives and brag about your achievements.

BUT! For the Otaku, it’s just another day at home watching anime. Nobody can make an Otaku leave his room and nobody wants to show him off anyway.

When house-visiting, it is normal to be dressed in new clothes, since it represents a new start of the year.

BUT! For the Otaku, the clothing budget is non-existent. It was devoured by the figurine budget. Or even better, they come dressed in a brand new Haruhi school uniform or Nartuo jumpsuit.

Unmarried humans will receive a red packet containing money from married ones. This is the ancient traditional way of saying, "I don’t need a prostitute anymore. So I have extra cash I can spare you for your trips to the whorehouse." Apparently, according to TrapImpz, you can’t open all your red packets until the new year is officially over, that is, after the fifteenth day.

BUT! For the Otaku, they open the cash up right away and buy more figures and eroge.

Every home will be stocked with plenty of "New Year goodies" such as pineapple tarts, roasted pork, and others for visitors to snack on.

BUT! For the Otaku, it’s a free lunch and dinner. Savings go to the figure fund.

CNY is a good chance for making and strengthening familial relationships.

BUT! For the Otaku, it is a rare chance to fondle little girls. Be it cousins, nieces or whatever. "Come girl, let uncle touch you".

Finally, it’s also the time to show off the girlfriend to the relatives. All 150 cm of pure body pillow. Do body pillows get red packets too?

Oh before anyone gets upset, it’s all a joke of course. We all know Otaku do bathe. At least twice a month.

20 Responses to “What if You’re an Otaku Celebrating Lunar New Year?”

  • So that’s what you bought all those pillow covers for

  • Ah, so that’s why you get unlimited funding.

  • Somehow, it all fits me. Except the bathing and cleaning part >_>

  • everything almost doesn’t fit me….but tj said before that i fail as an anime watcher, much less an otaku >_>

  • I wants the red packets! T_T

  • I broke almost every one of those New Year traditions… I guess I fail as an Asian :(
    I didn’t even get any money this year, talk about cheap relatives.

  • Until very recently, I used to look forward to prying wads of cash from the clenched fists of unwilling relations every time Christmas rolled around. Lining up in front of drunks was an especially enjoyable treat; one could simply skip back to the end of the line for another go and they’d be too hammered on scotch to remember that you’ve already had your share. (That wouldn’t have worked on one particular relative, though: he’d ask each person to sign their name on a sheet of paper alongside the exact amount received.) But now that I’m earning a regular paycheque, hordes of shrieking third-cousins from some long-forgotten branch of my extended family tree have been lining up to divest ME of my hard-earned money.

    Enjoy it while it lasts, friends – those otoshidama won’t keep falling into your hands forever.

  • As I read this, I’m counting how much I’ve got.

  • Meh… I’m not an otaku… so… Well, it certainly doesn’t apply to me, hehe…

  • Still watching anime? Grow up!

  • Wow, I didn’t even know half of the traditions. And I never get any red packages *snif*

  • ah jeez! now i know the REAL reason why i always get those red packages from my parents and relatives!

  • “Gung Hay Fat Choy! I’d like you to meet my fiancee, Eri Sawachika. If you don’t like what she’s wearing I can just turn it around for you.”

  • haha very funny. ^_^ if you don’t bath then how do the relatives get close enough to give you the red packets even?

    ~the holiday is officially over now :( ~

  • I lol’ed. Half the things in red are quite true, if I had my way.

    Currently now playing mahjong like mad with my relatives though…. I really really miss the internet.

  • bathing time is fapping time

  • Seems like u been enjoying this CNY with all your crazy ideas :)

    (CNY is a good chance for making and strengthening familial relationships.

    BUT! For the Otaku, it is a rare chance to fondle little girls. Be it cousins, nieces or whatever. “Come girl, let uncle touch you”.)

    This ish so damn wrong but a pretty good laff nonetheless

  • LAWL

    But I’m Beyond otaku, in tj’s words.

  • /me is sloooooooow

    but anywayz… real otaku don’t open their ang pow and then go and buy figures, DVDs, games etc…

    …they buy the stuff a couple of days before CNY, and replenish their cash using the ang pow. XD

    *did that with Idolm@ster and Chikyuu Boueigun 3*

    Diego, that’s where you need to be a traditionalist. Until you’re married, you receive ang pows, you don’t give. (The link between that and otakudom is left as an exercise for the reader. ;) )

  • The Demon Otaku

    Hey, I’m an Otaku and I bathe evryday! :(

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