Riuva Spring Impressions… Rated by Manly Appendages!

I’ve seen 11 new spring anime thus far, excluding returning ones like Ichigo Mashimaro and Ikkitousen. While it’s only the first episode for all, I sure as hell know which are the good shows already. Here’s my own ratings and impressions, calculated by a unique penile rating exclusively used on this site. Not ranked in order of merit.

Hayate no Gotoku
The manga is seriously substandard mediocre fare which has an undeserved fanbase of juveniles who think blushing is romance. The anime cuts out some of the already preciously rare good scenes and replaces them with kid-friendlier ones. But the anime is not bad, a testament of the Gintama effect where a not-so-good manga is able to value add by injecting loads of dynamicism. The more things move on screen, the funnier it will become. I give it a rating of 2.5 penises out of five. I’ll probably watch all the way but not enjoy it too much, like Kiba.

Seirei no Moribito
This Production IG megaproduction features Saya from Blood the Last Vampire in a Chinese/Japanese/Korean fusion setting. Instead of a katana, Saya (known now as Basara or something) uses a short spear. Production IG is not Jesus despite what many of us GitS lovers think. Other than the GitS series and arguably IGPX, Production IG has done nothing of tremendous note. Xebec, their underling, isn’t too fantastic either, despite its very active participation of the spring season. Production IG has a tendency to do period anime badly, just look at Otogi Zoushi and Chevalier. Nevertheless, their animation skills are still the best out there which makes SnM a really watchable show. Unfortunately, with great expectations come great disappointment plenty a time and I have a feeling SnM is set to burn just like Chevalier. 3.5 penises out of 5.

Touka Gettan
Wow, I’ve never seen a first episode as bad as Touka Gettan. To say it was horrible is an insult to the word horrible. The whole plot and direction feels like a fantasy hentai series, along the likes of Moonlight Lady, Black Gate or Inma Seiden. -1249185 shrivelled penises out of 2312. Utter garbage and a waste of animation and Kobayashi Yuu’s talents.

Kitarou
A kids’ show featuring cartoony characters with supernatural phenomenon, I watched 3 seconds of it before I decided it wasn’t my type of show. 0 penises.

Claymore
Evolving tastes has led to Shounen Jump diversifying their serialised works and Claymore is one of the seemingly more violent and dark series to have come out of the most popular manga magazine recently. It is no coincidence that Claymore came after the success of D’Gray Man and the premise is in fact, quite similar. Except D’Gray Man is shit and Claymore feels a bit like a shounen Berserk that Jump editors got their grubby hands onto. The silver haired golden irised Claymores are magnificent creatures and I shall look forward to more episodes. Gore and action is seriously all it takes to make me want more of an anime. It does suffer from Big Sword syndrome, but still warrants 4 penises out of 5.

Seito no Hanayome
An energetic romady between a male kid and a mermaid with a sexy voice. Her family are all mafia dudes and the jokes are the type to get old fast. But light-hearted series are always difficult to drop due to the ease of watching. 3.5 penises. I actually like the guy’s parents, they’re funny.


Hitohira

A sensitive dramedy for both genders. Mute girls are really hot btw, they can’t scream for help. The stars of the drama clubs, both of them, are extremely hot and a major attraction. 3.5 penises.

Heroic Age
With a manly title like Heroic Age, I decided that I would pick it as my number 1 show already. And it didn’t fail to live up to its name. I see lots of Starcraft in this series and that’s a good thing. Anime rarely brings us inter-special space opera which is one of my favourite genres. Specifically, the human vs bug space war genre. HA has the Golden Tribe, the Xel’ Naga, augment 3 races, the Silver Tribe, Bronze Tribe and Heroic Tribe, so they can capable of space travel. And humankind joins in the party. And everyone wars! The silver tribe are high-tech Protoss, the Bronze Tribe are the Zerg and the Heroic Tribe has gone extinct but for one single unit. Bloody good show this is. 10 penises fully engorged!

Overdrive
This is your typical sports anime. Mikoto is a totally useless piece of cow dung masquerding as a high school guy. He meets a magic bike named Pussy and rides her into the sunset grunting with ecstasy.

I was joking. This is an epic tale of sweat and tears, culminating in Mikoto’s victory over Lance Armstrong and even Michael Jordan in the immense Tour de France. I love sports series which don’t have super powers and bishounen, so 4 penises for Overdrive.

El Cazador
Funny how the character designs look so like Simoun. Anyway I hate Noir and Madlax. They were the most boring things since my mandatory study of Indian history. The music is not bad though, obviously. The biggest reason why I hated Noir is due to its no-blood policy, which El Cazador replicates in full bloodless glory. Why shoot a man in the hand when you can blast his head off? Bah. 2 penises.

Tengen Toppa Guren Ragan
Holy shit, it’s FLCL and Diebuster all combined with Future Boy Conan character designs! As expected of a Gainax production post FLCL, the animation is shockingly fluid and I did a sex wee during the battle scenes. When I was viewing the OP, I got the mistaken impression that Guren was a kids’ show and closed the window, the ugly mecha was too much to bear. Later I recalled it was a GAINAX production and so had to be good. And I sat down to watch the full episode, which totally did not disappoint. 5 penises out of five.

Magical Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS
Did I mention how much I hate Nanoha’s fandom? It’s disgraceful how people are sexualising young girls and now they are both sexualising and make them do ungirly things like, fighting. There was a time when battle and lasers were the exclusive realm of manly men and now young hairless girls are desecrating the sumo ring! Anyway, in StrikerS, Nanoha and her old clique are imba. I like the roller blading speedy girl, who unfortunately is a massive advertisement for a certain Japanese car brand. I have a thing for pacy handsome girls though, like Kaoru from Gatekeepers.

Probably more to come!

18 Responses to “Riuva Spring Impressions… Rated by Manly Appendages!”


  • Suzumiya Haruhi

    fastest acceleration for cars ok… dun play play wif japanese car brands

  • LAWL

    SnH has MANLY ROMANCE SUBPLOT.

  • While I do tend to agree on hating the Nanoha fanbase, this:

    “It’s disgraceful how people are sexualising young girls and now they are both sexualising and make them do ungirly things like, fighting.”

    IS UNMANLY! The female warrior is a thing to be respected and loved! And if the “young girls” gots the goods, THEN BRAVO!

    UNMANLYDAMNIT!!

  • No penis rating for StrikerS? Fail. Or maybe you ran out of dicks…

  • “The manga is seriously substandard mediocre fare which has an undeserved fanbase of juveniles who think blushing is romance. ”

    To me, Hayate the Combat Butler is not about the romance, and I don’t really see one there at all (probably because I’ve only read the first three volumes so far). It’s all about the crazy action that occurs in the manga, and I’m surprised that you didn’t see that. That dynamicism you saw in the anime was from the manga; the anime is supposed to be like that (barring the changing of some scenes). :P

  • Now that you’ve pointed it out, I think I’ll try Seito No Hanayome. I need something to keep me occupied before Lucky Star! starts airing.

  • Single most useful post IMO you have ever done. Keep up the good work, i was sucked into reading your seasonal reviews of whats out there. Keep it coming back up!

  • Shoutenkage: I’m insulted! This post is not useful! It’s shit. But thanks anyway.

    JS: Try Heroic Age and Guren.

    BigN: I read all the available Hayate volumes. The “action” is awful, almost Love hina style. As a fan of action manga, I am appalled that you consider Hayate under the action genre. It’s harem comedy.

    Anon: I added in the StrikerS section later so I forgot. 2 Penises!

    Digiwommy: The female warrior does not use lasers.

  • ROFL
    you totally rule.
    You make me wanna watch Touka Gettan and waste my time
    xDDD

  • gainax ftw. but their colors set me back to the 90s.

  • “I am appalled that you consider Hayate under the action genre. It’s harem comedy.”

    Either you misread me or I misstated what I was trying to say, and it’s probably the latter. Sorry for the trouble. :P

    I haven’t read past volume three, so I know it’s comedy, but while there are hints that it might become harem, I have no idea since there isn’t that much romance to go on at that moment, but I do know the comedy, which seems to revolve around crazy antics. Though it sounds kind of disappointing if romance plays a big role in the manga later. :/

  • TJ_Han’s anime picks > Tsubaki’s picks anyday, desho? hahaha sorry tsubaki but it’s the truth.

  • No penis rating for Nanoha? I’m saddened ^.^;;

  • homeless_homo

    Your overdrive preview gave me a hellu good laugh.

  • Hayate no gotoku (or Hayate the combat butler if u prefer) is not romance at all. it is purely comedy. read the manga, there are even lines like this: “is this an action manga?” said by hayate, and I had never seen any romance in the manga, except you call nagi’s feeling to hayate romance, or isumi’s love for henshin hero…

    btw it’s SETO no hanayome. the mermaids are from underneath the sea in Setouchi area
    guess my nihongo is still better? lol

  • hayate and nagasarete are all nonsense animes… if you want to spend half an hr watching them i rather u spend the half an hour reading their manga… at least they don’t feel that nonsense.. ok pardon my engrish… that happens alot when you are typing with one hand and holding a manga in the other =/

  • Heroic Age>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Lucky Star

    BWAHAHA TAKE THAT YOU KYOANI FANBOYS!! I ain’t a big fan of KyoAni, I just like how they didn’t screw up AIR like Kanon =/ Heres hopes CLANNAD comes out fine. Key FTW!

  • lol, now I’m seeing all this Nanoha hate. like with you and DM

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