[Ascaloth] The Meister Intervenes!

Every other day, another war of words erupt across the anime blogosphere, and yet they never fail to entertain bystanders. In fact, regular readers of DarkMirage and THAT will be familiar with the recent interventions in their negatively portrayed articles on Mobile Suit Gundam 00 by the same source that happened just recently. Although RIUVA has not yet experienced a similar intervention due to its members’ relative lack of interest in taking up arms against the traditional Sunrise franchise, these recent happenings have inspired me to come up with, for lack of a better name to describe it with, a parody of these recent happenings.

The following is an entirely fictional work. Any resemblance to actual events, organizations and/or persons, living and/or dead, is purely coincidental.

Good evening. My identity is strictly confidential, but for purposes of expediency, you may address me as "The Meister". Tonight, you have been privileged to witness the records of my campaign of interventions against attacks on a franchise which, for purposes of copyright, shall be referred to as Gun*** ##. I know some of you may be wanting to ask the very question I know is in your minds right now, so allow me to cut to the chase and explain the reasons behind my campaign.

Recently, a phenomenon has arisen within the animeblogosphere related to Gun*** ##; for reasons as yet unknown, it seems that there has been a "gentlemen’s agreement" that an article of the aforementioned series must not be written without applying a large dose of unwarranted criticism against it. As someone who has enjoyed the series very much, this makes me very, very sad.

However, it is not just the fact that Gun*** ## is taking a lot of undeserved flak that makes me sad; it is also my perception that the series is facing a double standard in that no other series seems to be subjected to the same needless criticisms, that makes my blood boil. Therefore, I have conveniently ignored the fact that all other series face the same double standards, in addition to the fact that I myself have had a part in perpetrating some of these double standards against other series, in order to conduct my campaign of interventions against these naysayers. Gun*** ## is wholly undeserving of these comments which I can only describe as "trolling", and I have taken it upon myself to defend this series from these upstarts who obviously have no knowledge of the tradition and the majesty behind the history of this franchise.

Therefore, in keeping with the traditions of the franchise, I present to you a recap of the first two interventions I have participated in thus far.

Mission One: Muckvisage, Translator of Gun*** ##

The Meister: In order to pick out my first target, I shall plug myself wirelessly into the onboard Darth supercomputer to obtain data on any cases of "unwarranted criticism" happening in the animeblogosphere currently. In fact, I think I may just have found my first mission…

Muckvisage: Translation of Gun*** ## Episode ## complete, draft sent to Women’s Clave. You know, I still couldn’t believe that Moonrise actually had that character go "If I’m not this forceful, I wouldn’t be able to seduce the Gun***…"

The Meister: I see. So this Muckvisage character not only writes completely fallacious and derogatory articles on my beloved Gun*** ##, he’s actually responsible for providing the translations for it! No wonder I’ve always thought there was something wrong with the product from that group…it is obvious that Muckvisage is letting his trollish hatred for this series flow over into his work! This is cause for intervention! The Meister, heading out!

Muckvisage: Ah, good evening. And who might you be?
The Meister: Who I am is not important. The issue that I’m going to bring up with you is.
Muckvisage: Fair enough. And what might that be?
The Meister: I do not like the fact that you are translating Gun*** ##, yet you profess to hate it intensely. I believe you are not putting in as much effort as you could have because of that.
Muckvisage: I have not explicitly stated that I hate Gun*** ##. I would kindly ask you to please not misrepresent my views.
Muckvisage: Moreover, I would ask you not to slander my work. If you wish to complain about any aspect of my translations, please provide proof.

The Meister: Proof? Very well. I do not like how you translated a particular line as "If I am not this forceful, I won’t be able to seduce the Gun***". It seems like an unnecessary addition of sexual innuendo to me.
The Meister: I may not have a JLPT1 certificate like the one I see hanging on your wall, but I AM an English major, and I believe there is a better way to translate that line. Lastly, I still think you shouldn’t be translating this series if you have so many criticisms about it.
Muckvisage: Okay, let me show you proof. Here’s the line from the original Japanese dialogue; as you can see here, this phrase means "to make a pass".
Muckvisage: It would make no sense for me to omit that implied phrase for a literal one in my translation. Moreover, I see the number of criticisms I have for this series as a mark of a true fan. Are you satisfied?
The Meister: I see…my bad. I guess I’ll have to trust that you are right, then. And as for the other question…I think we’ll have to agree to disagree here. Thanks for giving me your time.
Muckvisage: You’re welcome.

It seems that I have misjudged Muckvisage’s intentions; for that, the mission was aborted. However, I am greatly relieved nonetheless, for although it was an unnecessary intervention, at least I have confirmed that Muckvisage was not one of those who makes "unwarranted criticsms" of Gun*** ## just because it is not to his taste. With that, Mission One was aborted, and the mission objectives were unfulfilled due to them being proven invalid.

Mission Two: Generalfeldmarschall

The Meister: Scanning for targets in the vicinity. Wait, there’s something on the Va-dar….

Generalfeldmarschall: It’s another episode of Gun*** ##, so it’s time to break out the warhelm of sarcasm, the claymore of truth, plate armor of contempt, and tower shield of logic! For those of you who get black humor, welcome back! To those of you Moonrise and Gun*** ## fanboys who are incapable of appreciating my brand of humor due to all of you being f@#$ing high-minded p#&$@s, you can jolly well GTFO!!! Now that’s out of the way, let’s start the show!!!

The Meister: Tch, it seems that my work is not yet done. The Meister, heading out!

The Meister: You must be Generalfeldmarschall.
Generalfeldmarschall: The f%#& do you want, f@g?!
The Meister: I have some issues regarding your unwarranted criticisms of Gun*** ##
Generalfeldmarschall: So f&@$ing what?!
The Meister: I do not like how you claim to be using sarcasm, then proceed to rant and rave. It’s just ridiculous.
The Meister: First off, your need to appeal to the lower common denominator means you’ve failed to be funny. Secondly, you keep harping on the same joke, and that’s not funny. Thirdly, you used communism as a comparison with an organization in the series, and I do not see how that works…(continues to rant and rave on in a totally random, off-topc manner)
Generalfeldmarschall: *zzzzzzzzz*
The Meister: …so, the point is, your bashing of Moonrise is not funny. Are we clear on that?
Generalfeldmarschall: *wakes up* Look, f@g, I’m reserving the right to comment on Gun*** ## however I want, and I don’t need you to tell me what to do or how to do it. So beat it and go PMS somewhere else, b#&$%!

It seems that no matter what I do, Generalfeldmarschall was never going to see things my way. Therefore, I retreated while I still could, but I am certainly going to watch his actions carefully in the future, and the next time he engages in more "unwarranted criticism" of Gun*** ##, I will be there to intervene in his actions again.

Unfortunately, they are only two out of many examples of people who watch Gun*** ## not to enjoy it as it is, but with the intention of criticizing it every chance they get, warranted or not. Is it any wonder then, that sometimes I think that none of them deserves to be Gun*** Meisters Gun*** ## viewers? I fail to understand the utility of their actions, nor what they gain by it.

Therefore I, The Meister, have made it my duty to intervene in any cases of "unwarranted criticisms" against Gun*** ## whenever possible, for I am the only one who can do so. It is a lonely task, but someone has got to do it, and that someone is me. Because nobody else is willing to step up to the plate, I have to be the one to defend the honor of the franchise, and to ensure that it is never sullied without counter-action taken to preserve its majesty. To that effect, I will always be watching. I will always be ready.


I am The Meister.

I am Gundam.

I do not forgive.

I do not forget.

Expect me.

Ascaloth, out.

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